Why that 99% immune statistic isn’t a reason to be optimistic.
After weeks of carefully collating and analyzing primary data generated by the current covid-19 pandemic, a team of scientists at the University of Oxbridge have determined that at least 99% of the global population is immune.
Unfortunately, that is very bad news indeed. That’s because the immunity in question is not resistance to the effects of covid-19 but rather to the influence of facts and reason.
Based on an exhaustive study of items appearing in both traditional and social media sources over the last 60 days, the Oxbridge team was able to demonstrate to p>99.9 that very few people ever succumb to intellectual improvement by means of acquiring reliable facts and reasoning coherently from them.
Instead, 99% of people are completely immune to facts and reason and therefore quickly become infected with simple-minded memes. They rapidly become symptomatic, further spreading pernicious nonsense throughout a population totally lacking the mental antibodies necessary to combat this cognitive epidemic.
Key symptoms include persistent irrational fear, incapacity to grasp context, inability to assess relative risk, constant consumption of sensationalist reportage, and of course the spreading of myths regarding “cures” that provide magical salvation. Additional non-specific symptoms include the willingness to accept any and all assertions made by purported authority figures no matter how irrational or counter-productive they may be.
The research team speculates that the reason homo sapiens lacks any meaningful resistance to simple-minded nonsense is because the organ that would otherwise function as the body’s center of information-processing is in fact used by nearly everyone merely as ballast to prevent the head from bobbing around uncontrollably when walking. As such, neural activity is kept to a minimum and insufficient pathways are available for any meaningful cognition to occur.
With 99% of the population totally immune to any form of coherent thought, it is difficult to propose workable policies to contain the relentless pandemic of unreason that inevitably follows media-induced mass hysteria.
A minority on the team proposes that some measure of immunity to mindlessness may be induced by restricting access to brain-dead infotainments and dramatically improving the quality of pedagogy. The majority of the team, however, is convinced that hysterical despairing laughter and a retreat to the nearest source of hard liquor is the only plausible policy.