The Best Job

Thinking of a change of career for the coming year? Have we got something for you!

Image credit: UMN Libraries

Hey there! Yes, you! Now we’re in the Giving Season, I want to give you an opportunity to get a new job so you don’t have to keep doing the old one you hate so much.

Interested? Of course you are! So let me tell you all about this great job.

First of all, you don’t need to know anything in order to do it. In fact, it’s best if you don’t know anything because then you won’t be tempted to make things complicated by trying to explain stuff. People hate complicated things and in this job I’m telling you about, simplicity is key. So the less you know — and ideally you know absolutely nothing about anything — the better.

Yeah! Isn’t that fantastic? But wait, it only gets better!

You know how when you’re a little kid, people keep telling you not to exaggerate? Well, in this new job exaggeration is the most important thing!

Here’s how it works: the stock market goes up ten points, that’s nothing, nobody talks about it. If you do have to talk about it, you can say it’s a “gain.” The stock market goes down ten points, now that’s a crash, a plummet, a disaster wiping out billions of dollars of value in an instant. Here’s another example: every day, around one hundred…