Member-only story
The CEO’s Holiday Email
How to inspire and motivate your biological customer-oriented depreciating assets
Dear Valued Team Units,
It’s that time of year again when the 10-K is due and naturally I know your thoughts are turning to your families. Your families who will suffer if we haven’t made the numbers.
I’m pleased to announce that this year, as in years gone by, the unrivalled creativity of our Finance department and the helpful compliance of our Compliance team has ensured another fantastic end-of-year bonus for your hard-working and greatly deserving Chief Executive Officer (me).
Due to unexpected external pressures (Trump’s inspired and patriotic conflict with China, which destroyed our Q2 and Q3 earnings and dramatically increased our costs of doing business) we’ve had to tighten our belts a little and trim the fat. As you all know, no one hates delivering bad news more than I do, which is why I’ve instructed our HR department, now renamed as our Diversity-Oriented Goal-Setting Human Interface Team to send out an email later today detailing who’s being laid off. Remember to check your In-Box!
Next year we’re going to put the wood behind the arrow while keeping our powder dry, draw a line in the sand and think outside the box, inspirate a whole new paradigm of customer-oriented operationally-focused bottom-line-driven…
