How to inspire and motivate your biological customer-oriented depreciating assets

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Image credit: Stocksy

Dear Valued Team Units,

It’s that time of year again when the 10-K is due and naturally I know your thoughts are turning to your families. Your families who will suffer if we haven’t made the numbers.

I’m pleased to announce that this year, as in years gone by, the unrivalled creativity of our Finance department and the helpful compliance of our Compliance team has ensured another fantastic end-of-year bonus for your hard-working and greatly deserving Chief Executive Officer (me).

Due to unexpected external pressures (Trump’s inspired and patriotic conflict with China, which destroyed our Q2 and Q3 earnings and dramatically increased our costs of doing business) we’ve had to tighten our belts a little and trim the fat. As you all know, no one hates delivering bad news more than I do, which is why I’ve instructed our HR department, now renamed as our Diversity-Oriented Goal-Setting Human Interface Team to send out an email later today detailing who’s being laid off. Remember to check your In-Box!

Next year we’re going to put the wood behind the arrow while keeping our powder dry, draw a line in the sand and think outside the box, inspirate a whole new paradigm of customer-oriented operationally-focused bottom-line-driven strategic initiatives that will be both transformational and consistent with our current ways of doing business. I’m sure I can count on every single one of you (or whoever’s left after our ongoing downsizing /rightsizing /realignment initiative) to give us 150% 7/24 while maintaining a healthy work-life balance as is required by our corporate health plan provider.

As is customary, the company will once again mark this holiday season by shutting down all day on December 25th so our great and customer-centric employees can spend in-person facetime bonding with their family units. As is also customary we’ll see you back in your cubicles at 07.30 on 26th December, bright eyed and bushy tailed and eager to get back to some good hard work serving our customers and exceeding their expectations in an ongoing upward-trend-orientated individualistic style that’s in total compliance with our corporate standards regarding behavioral guidelines.

Remember: you’re the people whose efforts and dedication make this great company of ours what it truly is: a shining beacon of Corporate America. I’ll be thinking of each and every one of you during my month-long expenses-paid strategic planning initiative on Bora-Bora. Keep up the great work!

Reg Guy, CEO

Standard Corp of America, Inc.

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Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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