The Chinese Confession
How SARS-CoV2 really did leak from a secret bioweapons facility in Wuhan
Dear people of the West, and also assorted humans living in less self-centered and pampered countries, on behalf of the glorious Chinese Empire we have an important announcement to impart.
There has been vile speculation in the corrupt running-dog capitalist Western media that the coronavirus designated SARS-CoV2 originated in one of our non-existent bioweapons facilities. Until today, we have rightly denied such libelous claims for the absurd lies they so clearly are. Today, however, we acknowledge that the coronavirus did indeed come from our Wuhan facility and accidentally leaked out due to an unfortunate mistake by the janitor who was carrying a bucket carrying 4 liters of virus-containing liquid. While he was off searching for a government-approved made-in-China highest-quality mop, some of the liquid seeped out under the front door and made its way into the wider world.
What followed was inconceivable to us.
Our Wuhan facility has been working on technology that takes highly lethal viruses such as the original SARS virus and the MERS virus and transforms them into harmless near-replicas that we hoped could be the basis for nationwide inoculation. With SARS-CoV2 we had reached the point where the virus was 99.87% harmless when the unfortunate accident with the janitor occurred.
At first we were uncertain about the efficacy of our work. We worried that among the very old, the very frail, and the very sick, the virus could prove unfortunate. So we implemented our quarantine plan. We never imagined for a moment that your Western media would eagerly pick up the story and turn it into a global phenomenon of baseless fear-mongering and panic. We imagined that as the data emerged, everyone would see that the virus was essentially harmless. We did not realize your Western doctors would insist on killing 80% of their patients by forcible inducing coma and intubating them with artificial ventilation — a procedure known to be highly dangerous even for perfectly healthy people. We did not understand the power of your mass media to program the minds of citizens who spend their days staring at shiny screens, believing everything they are told.
We were, frankly, astonished to discover that we could accidentally cripple your economies and induce mass hysteria in your populations, all with a virus specifically engineered to be almost perfectly harmless. But even when the WHO published data showing that around 92% of those infected never experience even the slightest symptom while the remainder experience only transient flu-like symptoms, this did nothing to quell your self-indulgent scaremongering. Your media focused exclusively on the edge-cases, making them seem typical. You destroyed hundreds of millions of people’s lives, merely to generate advertising revenues for your media organizations.
Truly, capitalism is a wondrous thing to behold in full flight! With just a few soundbites and memes, you inflicted on yourselves far greater damage than any enemy could have hoped to achieve through any campaign imaginable.
Ten years ago this would have inflicted disaster on our own economy. But thanks to the magnificent foresight of our Great Leader and Eternal Helmsman President Xi, we have already rebalanced our economy toward internal consumption and so the reduced exports we have experienced have in no way incommoded us. We are also certain that as your self-induced panic begins to temporarily subside, your appetite for our products will be even greater than before.
For us, you are like fat little piglets, always reaching out for the next sugary mouthful and the next shiny toy. And we all know what happens when the piglet grows and becomes ready for the oven….
What has become abundantly clear to us, and to our friends in North Korea and in Russia, is how easily you can be induced to perform astonishing acts of self-harm. We now understand that your self-created weakness can be turned to our lasting advantage. Why should we spend hundreds of billions of dollars creating fearsome modern weapons systems when we can simply let your own mass media destroy you from the inside-out? If you panic and do such foolish self-harming things when confronted with a supposed threat that in reality harms almost nobody, what will you do if you are told there’s an even more deadly threat in the air tomorrow?
Yes, here in China we are laughing very much at that thought. We imagine your round eyes growing even rounder as fear shuts down what limited cognitive processes you once possessed. We delight to think how quickly you will once again cripple your own societies in pursuit of “safety.” You imagine that once your people are vaccinated, life will return to normal. Hah!
Now that you have conditioned yourselves to be fearful of largely illusory threats, you can never go back. You are now prisoners of your own self-induced terrors and your mass media knows how lucrative it is to feed these delusions. Karl Marx was wrong about the way in which capitalist societies will destroy themselves, but he was correct that your self-destruction is an inevitable consequence of your pursuit of revenues at any cost.
So, yes, the SARS-CoV2 virus did originate in our Wuhan facility. But the damage it caused was all done by you, of your own free will.
Thank you, little capitalist piggies, for all you have done.
Junior Assistant Under-Secretary to the Commission for Chinese Media Communications