The Chinese Confession
How SARS-CoV2 really did leak from a secret bioweapons facility in Wuhan
Dear people of the West, and also assorted humans living in less self-centered and pampered countries, on behalf of the glorious Chinese Empire we have an important announcement to impart.
There has been vile speculation in the corrupt running-dog capitalist Western media that the coronavirus designated SARS-CoV2 originated in one of our non-existent bioweapons facilities. Until today, we have rightly denied such libelous claims for the absurd lies they so clearly are. Today, however, we acknowledge that the coronavirus did indeed come from our Wuhan facility and accidentally leaked out due to an unfortunate mistake by the janitor who was carrying a bucket carrying 4 liters of virus-containing liquid. While he was off searching for a government-approved made-in-China highest-quality mop, some of the liquid seeped out under the front door and made its way into the wider world.
What followed was inconceivable to us.
Our Wuhan facility has been working on technology that takes highly lethal viruses such as the original SARS virus and the MERS virus and transforms them into harmless near-replicas that we hoped could be the basis for nationwide inoculation. With SARS-CoV2 we had reached the point where the virus was 99.87% harmless when the unfortunate accident with the janitor occurred.
At first we were uncertain about the efficacy of our work. We worried that among the very old, the very frail, and the very sick, the virus could prove unfortunate. So we implemented our quarantine plan. We never imagined for a moment that your Western media would eagerly pick up the story and turn it into a global phenomenon of baseless fear-mongering and panic. We imagined that as the data emerged, everyone would see that the virus was essentially harmless. We did not realize your Western doctors would insist on killing 80% of their patients by forcible inducing coma and intubating them with artificial ventilation — a procedure known to be highly dangerous even for perfectly healthy people. We did not understand the power of your mass media to program the minds of citizens who spend their days staring at shiny screens, believing everything they are told.