The Fat Dumb Donny Show
As we approach the long-awaited season finale, what have we learned from four years of the world’s highest-rated reality TV entertainment?
We all know the basic premise: a family of subhuman mental retards, headed by the only man in history stupid enough to lose money running a casino (twice), accidentally strike an electoral gusher and find themselves transported from their modest hillbilly accommodation in Trump Shack to somewhere they’re totally unprepared for: the US White House.
The show then follows the laugh-a-minute antics of this clueless and ethics-free family as they lie, bluster, lie, cheat, lie, whine, lie, and lie some more at every opportunity. While viewers with a measurable IQ found the show tedious and repetitive (not to mention vomit-inducing), Republican voters lapped it up uncritically during its four-year run and were hoping for a new series next year.
Before we talk about what we’ve learned from the show, let’s acknowledge the praise it generated.
Комсомолская правда rates the show at 80% for its unique mix of whining self-pity coupled to never-ending infantile lies. Россия 1, the state-directed top TV news program says, “We love this program! Nothing reveals the rottenness of US capitalism and the stupidity of US voters better than The Fat Dumb Donny Show. Every episode is a must-watch entertainment!”
From China, similarly effusive appreciation comes from 东方卫视 and 凤凰卫视, which both rate the show 9/10 for slapstick content as well as “a unique opportunity to see the complete failure of the so-called democratic system which elects retarded monkeys and drooling morons in equal proportion and so demonstrates that the Chinese Model is infinitely superior to anything the USA has to offer.”
North Korean media laments the possibility of the show ending prematurely next January, saying, “We must trust the very last episode at least gives viewers what they’ve been hoping for in every episode: the orange dotard finally eats his favorite Sharpie!”
While half the USA is squealing excitedly about the forthcoming Uncle Prolix and the Smart Cookie show, in which a whole new (old) cast of characters go to live in the White House, the other half of the nation remains convinced that the plot twists we’ve seen over the last few weeks are in fact preparing us for a surprise reveal on January 20th in which the pucker-lipped main character Dumb Donny actually finds a way to remain in the House despite being voted out by a majority of viewers earlier this month. In a review on Rotten Tomatoes, the TV critic QAnon says, “the supposed victory of the other side that we saw in the 4th November episode is really part of Great Orange Donny’s bigly cunning plan to battle the forces of Satan and also books that promote healthy eating. All will be revealed on 20th January to those who are proud to keep their oaths and the magazines of their AR-15s fully loaded.”
Entertainment Magazine believes that viewers who loved The Fat Dumb Donny Show will find solace in watching endless repeats of that other Republican staple: The Waddling (Brain)Dead. As the most relatable show for the single-digit IQ viewer, this series delivers what the audience loves: a story-line so simple that even Republican voters can sometimes follow a few of the less demanding dialog words such as and, it, but, the, OK, hey, and ouch!
According to insider sources, the major networks along with the top-ranked streaming video content providers are all unsure whether the new cast of characters will have the addictive appeal of the recently canceled show. Whereas The Fat Dumb Donny Show contained all the staple ingredients Republican voters love (a father who wants to have sexual intercourse with his daughter, economic incompetence, endless lies, and overt racism) it’s not clear that the replacement cast will be able to appeal to its demographic in the same way. When asked to give an opinion regarding the new cast, some Democratic viewers expressed doubt about the lead character, saying that he’s not colorful enough to hold people’s interest while others complained about the cast members being too heteronormative. Some viewers complained that the writers are still planning to use oppressive restrictive Patriarchal pronouns instead of using the correct gender-orientation-neutral zit and zits.
Netflix has reportedly turned down an option to stream a prequel featuring the series co-lead called Kamala’s Second Coming and Amazon Prime Video passed on a 90-minute special featuring blooper clips spanning Biden’s 187-year-long career in the US Senate.
But that’s for the future. For the present, what have we learned from the undeniable success of The Fat Dumb Donny Show?
First of all, no series in history has managed to generate the 72 million viewers who tuned in to support the show in November 2020. Just as we saw people across the USA dressing up in Korean War military uniforms to weep through the last episode of M*A*S*H* back on 28th February 1983, so on January 20th 2021 millions of US Republican voters are expected to dress up in body costumes lovingly constructed by combining gallons of Jell-O with budget-priced Orangutan costumes originally made for crowd scenes in the 1968 movie Planet of the Apes.
What was the basis of the show’s undeniable appeal? It seems clear that for years beforehand there was a lack of programming to deliver the content tens of millions of Republican voters crave. Although the eight-year run of The Dick Cheney Show went a long way by providing the illegal torture of dark-skinned people so beloved by heartland viewers along with the economic ineptitude we’ve all grown to know and praise, it fell short on comedic interludes. The lovable always-smirking co-star Baby Bush did his best, with some gags like holding a kindergarten book upside-down while pretending to read and perpetually spouting gibberish, but not a single episode featured latent incest. Nor did members of the cast blatantly self-enrich by directing government resources to the family coffers. It’s clear now that viewers were waiting for a show that delivered on all fronts, and with The Fat Dumb Donny Show it was all affront, all the time.
We conducted a survey of 5,000 Republican viewers and asked them what were their best memories of the show. 37% said they loved the episode where Dumb Donny orders ICE officials to tear terrified small children from the arms of their parents and throw them into cages, but 22% said they were disappointed by this episode for its lack of ovens and gas chambers. 86% of Republican viewers said they appreciated a show where the lead character has “meat on his bones” but still gets to marry a “skinny Minnie” because he claims he’s rich. (In contrast, Democratic viewers have expressed concern that the co-stars of the Uncle Prolix and the Smart Cookie show are far too slender and so are unrelatable in a country where nearly everyone is fat and almost half the population is obese.)
43% of Republicans said they enjoyed the episode where Dumb Donny supports mandatory lynching of uppity negroes (even though careful examination of archival footage failed to find any show that featured the lead character overtly stating such support) and 88% of Republicans strongly agreed with the statement “what this country needs is a strong leader who isn’t afraid to call a spade a spade.”
91% of Republican viewers said they could relate to a fat privileged old white man whining constantly about how unfairly people treat him and 82% said that the Bible tells us Hispanics should be kept firmly in their place along with “the rest of those darkies.”
Most of all, the survey reveals that Republicans consistently rated the high moral tone of the show. It’s uplifting messages of overt prejudice, ignorance, unbelievable stupidity, demonizing anyone with an IQ larger than their shoe size, and support for unprovoked police violence resonated strongly with viewers. “I wanna see Homeland go in an’ f*ck up those demo-rat cities in the next series,” was a common request made by more than 69% of respondents — one which showrunners are sure to take into account when writing the follow-ons that are being planned for the 2025 season onward.
Industry insiders tell us that although the first few shows of the new season are likely to generate adequate ratings, nobody expects it to be extended past its initial run. The best writers in the business are therefore turning toward 2025 and we’re reliably informed that early casting calls have already been issued. Writers are working on plotlines that include major gerrymandering of districts to ensure that even if 200 million voters cast their ballots for the wrong side, 72 million Republican votes will ensure that the right Party takes 87% of the House, 77% of the Senate, and gains a perpetual lock on the Presidency.
Other eagerly anticipated story-arcs include re-education camps for anyone found guilty of seditious thinking (which will be defined as “an un-American ability to perform basic mental arithmetic”), an expansion of Federally-funded programs to provide firearms training to under-fives (“keeping our toddlers safe from socialism and reading”), and a special episode in which incest is finally legalized (“but only between family members”).
Citing “a truly misguided lack of spectacular effects” in the original series, producers are already planning to use nuclear weapons to deflect hurricanes from Republican-voting States (“we can get amazing footage from satellite imagery!”) and nuclear weapons will also be featured in a surprisingly eco-friendly episode in which California wildfires are finally eradicated for good thanks to 2,000 nuclear warheads being detonated over fire hazard zones stretching from Mendocino to San Diego. Although budget considerations would normally rule out special effects on this scale, producers have assured us that “those Mexican countries will pay for it.”
Easter-eggs are planned for each episode so sharp-eyed viewers can look out for gems like airport toilet stalls getting name-plates that each memorialize a Republican politician being discovered deep in voter-suppression planning with an attractive young staffer who unaccountably forgot to fasten his belt and so his pants accidentally fell around his ankles just as the Republican congressman was kneeling to pick up a fallen document.
Product-placement opportunities are also being scheduled; Mitch McConnell has already been signed by Pfizer for a Viagra ad in which the flabby but still eager Senate majority leader is seen desperately chugging down 20 blue tablets while gazing longingly at the lean male bodies featured on the cover of Surfer’s Monthly magazine as he drafts legislation requiring the police to arrest anyone suspected of homosexuality so they can be placed in mandatory sexuality re-alignment facilities established by the organization Christian Camp.
Brief guest appearances may be forthcoming for some of the junior cast members of The Fat Dumb Donny Show whose future careers have been thrown into doubt by the recent cancellation. It’s a safe bet to assume Ivanka will be appear at least for a minute or two, perhaps on the periphery of some important meeting where she can look decorative and ever-so-slightly desperate. Rumors persist that Eric and Don Junior will appear for ten seconds in an episode where they walk right into each other, fall down, and then start to eat each other’s ties.
Sources close to her agent say that Melania is trying to negotiate a solo deal and that her wished-for role is in a remake of the original Star Wars movie where she’ll cast as Darthette Vader, but that she won’t appear in any sequels to the The Fat Dumb Donny Show because, quote: “I’m still trying to wash from my lustrous hair the stink of that disgusting flabby old man and I want nothing ever to remind me of those terrible long years. And can anyone tell me why Justin Trudeau isn’t returning my calls?”
Opinions in the industry are divided on the question of whether or not Fat Donny himself will be featured in the 2025 series. Online betting sites set his odds of surviving another four years neck-and-neck with Britain’s lovable bigot Jeremy Clarkson who is, like Fat Donny, expected to suffer either a massive coronary or a huge aneurism before 2024. Furthermore, Fat Donny’s disappointing end-of-series performance has left some writers feeling the need of a more charismatic lead.
We’re informed that discussions are underway regarding suitable catch-phases (‘Murka On Top! and Me First! are being trialed in key markets along with White Is Right! and Jesus Blessed My Ammo!). Writers also feel that a relatable gesture will win over fans who may find trying to understand actual words a little too challenging, so a fist being thumped against the chest and a right arm outstretched in a palm-down salute are also being market-tested.
Whatever happens, there’s one thing of which we can be absolutely sure: the success of The Fat Dumb Donny Show proves that the USA has an unquenchable appetite for family entertainment of this kind, so it’s only a matter of time before another great show appears to meet this overwhelming market need.