The UK’s soon-to-be Chancellor of Greatness and Prosperity

We will begin, gentle reader, with a little history for those who aren’t sure what the word Brexit means.

Back in the long-ago days of 2016 the United Kingdom was a normal semi-functioning Western democracy that was respected around the world.

Unfortunately after a handful of decades of relative social mobility, its Prime Minister (the UK equivalent of President) was a weak-chinned privately-educated throwback to the bad old days of hereditary privilege. Much like a certain orange halfwit currently soiling the interior of the White House in Washington DC, this scion of the proverbial silver spoon had gone through life having everything handed to him on a gilded platter. His name was David Cameron.

As he’d never had to fight for anything in his life, he was distinctly lacking in courage which in turn meant that he was unable to confront the low-IQ atavistic minority within the ruling British Conservative Party for whom Europe was anathema. These people frightened him, and Cameron didn’t like being frightened. He certainly didn’t want to have to confront his foes.

So his cunning plan was to let the British people do the confronting for him.

He called for a national ballot on the topic of whether or not to remain in the European Union, an institution that had provided Europe with nearly eight decades of uninterrupted peace and prosperity — the longest such period in Europe since the collapse of the Roman Empire in 476 AD.

Cameron assumed few Brits would be stupid enough to vote for what was obviously a policy of catastrophic self-harm so he didn’t bother to campaign with much vigor. The ballot was poorly worded and was not in fact binding on the government, so Cameron didn’t think anything harmful could come of his ruse even if he spent most of his time quaffing champagne throughout the entire lackluster pro-Europe campaign he was nominally leading.

Meanwhile the pro-Brexit politicians also assumed few would be stupid enough to vote for what was obviously a policy of catastrophic self-harm so they felt totally unconstrained by reality. They went up and down the nation campaigning vigorously for a policy they felt sure would be defeated, telling lie after lie, making impossible promise after impossible promise, secure in the belief that they’d never be held accountable because their side would obviously lose.

After this loss, the leaders of Brexit would then make a claim that only they could “reunite Britain” by being “good losers” and taking the top jobs wherein they would enjoy all the benefits of life as normal by carrying on safely within the European Union.

Unfortunately for Britain, these clever cynical Brexiteers overlooked one small but vitally important fact: a great many people are very stupid and far too lazy to be bothered to do even the slightest research (think archetypal Republican voters), which would have revealed every single Brexiteer claim to be an infantile lie.

Meanwhile many of the clever people, believing that few people would be stupid enough to vote for what was obviously a policy of catastrophic self-harm, didn’t bother to vote at all because it was obvious that Brexit would be defeated.

The result: there was a slender majority, among those who did turn up to vote, in favor of the policy of catastrophic self-harm.

Immediately the results were announced the leading Brexiteer, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson, had a nervous breakdown and penned a lengthy article in the Sunday Telegraph newspaper stating that of course Britain’s future was as an important part of Europe and vice-versa. He then disappeared from public life for nearly a week before reappearing to say that he would not be running for Prime Minister, following the humiliating resignation of the weak-chinned Cameron.

After this debacle the British government could have turned to the nation and said, “Look, you were lied to. Here’s a list of all the lies and a list of all the facts that show these were all lies. We’re very sorry that so many of you were unable to realize you were being lied to, but it would be absurd to destroy the nation merely because a lot of you are rather dim-witted. So we’re going to ignore the referendum and carry on keeping the UK safe and prosperous.”

Instead the British government did the opposite. They pretended all the lies were achievable goals. This was equivalent to saying, “OK, folks, you voted for us to send 10,000 people to the moon using only a paper-clip and some sticky tape, catch all the unicorns that everyone knows are prancing around on the lunar surface, bring them back to Britain, and give them out as pets to everyone who voted for Brexit. We’re now going to deliver on that mandate.”

Not surprisingly, this brilliant strategy failed. The next British Prime Minister was the hapless Theresa May, a dull-witted woman of singular persistence who appears never once to have realized that Brexit was an impossible task. After three years of abject failure in which the UK fell from being a respected member of the EU to becoming a global joke, she resigned and made way for the bumbling blustering Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson who by this time had realized that Brexit was his one-way ticket into the history books, even if that did mean destroying everything of importance in the United Kingdom including its fragile democratic norms.

So here we are today. Johnson has suspended Parliament in an attempt to ensure it cannot prevent him from crashing the UK out of the EU on 31st October 2019, claiming that the only way to save Parliamentary democracy is by crushing Parliamentary democracy. His wondrous Brexit plan was to say that he had a wondrous plan. This is typical Johnson: a stupid and vacuous ploy sold to the simple-minded with a grin and a wink, because he’s discovered that many people are easily gulled as long as you tell them lies in an entertaining way.

Meanwhile opposition politicians with the help of a few brave Conservatives willing to vote for the national interest (instead of cravenly bowing down subserviently like US Republicans) have voted for a law that requires Johnson to ask the EU for yet another extension of the Brexit process because no UK politician has been able to square the circle and reconcile impossible promises with reality. The situation today is as follows:

Johnson wants to crash the UK out of the EU on 31st October and will likely break any and all laws that seek to prevent him from pursuing this course of national suicide. He’s begging to be allowed to call a General Election as a way to “resolve the crisis and gain a mandate for whatever I want to do, even if I don’t really know what that is.”

The Labour Party, the UK’s largest opposition Party, hopes to benefit from Johnson’s dilemma but its leadership is a group of hard-left low-IQ incompetents that few are willing to trust. Consequently the Labour Party is denying Johnson his General Election, at least until opinion polls suggest that Labour might have an outside chance of winning a few more seats in Parliament next time round.

The EU itself is long past the point of complete annoyance at the UK’s continued inability to come to a decision about what it wants and would like the whole matter to be resolved but sees no path whereby this could occur.

Another leading Brexiteer, the ultra-right wing neofascist Nigel Farage (another one of the silver spoon brigade, ably posturing as a “man of the people”) is telling even more outrageous lies in order to swell his base of supporters so that his Party of Nigel can win lots of seats in Parliament the next time a General Election is held.

In short, it’s all an unholy mess. The UK is in the hands of incompetent liars and frauds (not so dissimilar to the USA, eh?) and is in statutory limbo. Quite literally no one knows what will happen next.

So I’m going to make a few predictions. As I predicted Trump’s victory back when everyone knew he’d lose by a landslide, and as I predicted Brexit’s victory back when everyone knew it would lose by a landslide, I feel cautiously confident that my analysis of the players, their strategies, and the constraints operating on them won’t be any worse than anyone else’s crystal-ball gazing.

Prediction One: after huffing and puffing and taking lots of legal advice and lobbying all the High Court judges who were also privately educated (e.g. the vast majority) Johnson will reluctantly comply with the new law and on 19th October send a letter to the EU asking for an extension at least to 31st January 2020. He will however send a second letter saying that his government believes this extension won’t serve anyone’s interests and please can the EU excuse him from doing his homework once again.

The legality of this accompanying letter undermining the legally-required first letter will be challenged in Britain’s High Court and those privately-educated judges will rule in favor of the privately-educated Johnson, thus creating yet another massive constitutional crisis that will be presented to the dim-witted as proof that Brexit is a genius plan being thwarted by enemies of the people who hate Britain.

Prediction Two: Despite the obvious fact that the best strategy would be to let Johnson and his band of fetid Brexiteers dangle in the wind, unable to do anything because they lack a majority in Parliament, the opposition Parties will accede to Johnson’s desire for an early General Election. The Conservatives, led by the blustering grinning imbecile himself, will spend the entire campaign claiming that only their cunning plan (which doesn’t exist) can save Britain and of course they would never, ever, cross-our-hearts-and-hope-to-die, join forces with the neofascist Brexit Party in the event that no majority Party results from the General Election.

Labour will campaign unconvincingly and the other opposition Parties will fail to unite behind a coherent single message.

Prediction Three: After the General Election there will be no clear majority for any one Party so the Conservatives will join forces with the Brexit Party in order to form a dominant bloc. As they will have spent the entire campaign saying that they’d never do this, Johnson will explain that he was forced into this course of action by enemies of the people, people who hate Britain, and everyone else with an IQ larger than their hat size.

Britain will then crash out of the EU and into total meltdown. The economy will contract sharply, hundreds of thousands of jobs will be lost, essential goods and services will vanish within days, and the UK Pound will plummet to parity with the US dollar.

Johnson and Farage will blame this on “wreckers” and “people who don’t want to see Britain becoming a prosperous nation once again.” Sadly for Johnson and Farage they won’t be able to play the Full Stalin by having people summarily shot or vanish into gulags but they will ensure that the BBC and all other UK media faithfully repeat their propaganda until most people accept it as true.

Prediction Four: Within ten years the UK will become the world’s first Turnip Republic. As is the case with North Korea, state-controlled media will proclaim the nation to be a workers’ paradise and repeat daily how everyone else in the world wishes they could come and live in thriving prospering Britain.

With electricity supplies available only six hours per day, Brits will learn to take compulsory TV-watching breaks from work during the brief moments when power is available in order to remain current with whatever propaganda the government is pushing so as to avoid accidentally ending up in a gulag in the north of Scotland — which in turn will be attempting to secede yet again, while being occupied by the British Army to ensure that no such thing occurs.

In short, Brexit will be a stunning success. Farage will tour the nation standing in the back of an open-topped car with his right arm outstretched, basking in the joyous cries of Seig Heil! from his euphoric supporters. Johnson will be wheeled out for entertainment purposes on a regular basis but will have no real power as Farage’s henchmen will control everything behind the scenes.

All this will, of course, be presented as Democracy In Action, the Will of the People Fulfilled.

And, as is always the case, there will be no shortage of extremely stupid and hopelessly ignorant people who gullibly believe every single word.

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