The Glory of Brexit
Well, um, yes. Indeed. And I say that sincerely, to every one of you. Well done!
As we all know, Britain broke free of the deadly shackles of the European Union ten glorious years ago thanks to my own magnificent efforts and since then we’ve gone from strength to strength.
Last year we renamed our currency to better reflect life in Britain today. Since its wonderful renaming ceremony, presided over by Her Majesty the Queen, proudly standing mummified but still upright in her regal display case, the British Turnip has continued to lose value against stronger currencies such as the Congolese Franc, the Venezuelan Bolivar, and seashells. This has dramatically boosted our export potential, resulting in us selling even more turnips to Africa this year than the year before.
And let’s all applaud this great achievement! Exporting twenty-seven turnips is a magnificent achievement we can all be proud of and is a perfect symbol of what Brexit has accomplished.
The rebranding of our national currency followed on from our earlier redesign of the British flag, forced on us in 2027 by the shameful and traitorous Scottish breakaway from our glorious union. Our new flag, featuring two crossed bananas on a scarlet background under a gray cloud with tasteful blue raindrops perpending, has been a great success in the three test marketing groups of dormant hamsters we presented it to and I am completely positive that the rest of the nation will surely embrace our new flag as the long years ahead serve to make it more familiar and beloved.
I’m very pleased to announce that we’ve slashed unemployment with our new Blog for Britain initiative. Our subsidized scheme, paid for in borrowed turnips, encourages the long-term unemployed to develop new skills as social media influencers. This has significantly reduced the number of unemployed over the last few weeks. Although seven and three-quarter million people remain out of work, we’ve dramatically reduced that number by seven. We expect similar success in the years ahead provided we can continue to borrow turnips at below-market rates of interest.
And on the topic of borrowing, I just want to say that without the help of our American friends who over the last few years have acquired most of our manufacturing, health services, and banking organizations in return for agreeing not to sue us for failing to repay the loans we took out under the Lease-Lend agreements of World War II, we would be in far worse shape than we are today. Rumors that the CEOs of the large US corporations that took all our assets were “laughing their heads off” are totally untrue. Those CEOs were actually laughing at a rather witty joke I made about how the EU is struggling under its dreadful economic surplus as exports from the Eurozone continue to out-perform the global average.
Returning to home, as you know, Brexit was all about closing Britain to foreigners in order to create jobs for British people. Some wholly unforeseeable minor skills shortages have meant a temporary six-year interruption in supplies of electricity, water, rubbish collection, health care, child care, schooling, road repairs, public transportation, agricultural production, catering services, and corner shops. We are completely confident that these minor temporary inconveniences will ultimately result in a far better Britain being built by British hands.
Meanwhile, thanks to our wise strategic decision to let the British economy collapse, we’ve exceeded the reductions in carbon emissions we signed up for during the long-ago Paris Accords. We are in fact leading the world in this area despite minor setbacks resulting from people burning their dead relatives in order to stay warm during our recent unusually cold and damp winter.
Moving on now to the topic of holidays, I want to say to each and every person listening today how much I appreciate the enthusiasm with which you’ve all embraced our Holidays At Home initiative. All those awful summer holidays in Europe are thankfully a thing of the past. No more sunburn, no more irritating views of oceans and mountains and picturesque villages, no more foreign jabber and strange food. All those cheap flight two-weeks-in-the-sun nightmares are firmly behind us. British people want British weather, British food, and British beaches with their character-building stones, pebbles, cold gray water, and bracing wind under an ominously glowering sky.
Although warm beer, soggy pies and chips (pommes frites to those of you who used to go abroad), and greasy sausages are now off the menu due to continued unfair treatment by the European Union which shamefully refuses to send us free food, the Great British Fried Turnip Slice has been a marvelous success and has established itself as a corner-stone of British cuisine and represents everything that’s right and proper about today’s Brexit Britain.
Thanks to my brilliant reform of our brave and patriotic police services, reporting of hate crimes and racially motivated attacks has dropped to zero. My equally brilliant reform of our Armed Services has increased our defensive capabilities beyond all measure. My Sharp Sticks & Scary Stones plan has resulted in nearly every soldier being issued with a New Model wooden spear and a bag of rocks which, when thrown by any one of our forty-six highly-trained troops, can result in significant injury to enemy forces.
We are presently funding research into rubber-band catapults to see if this revolutionary all-British technology can further enhance the effect of our infantry-deployed Mark One Stones, enemy-for-the-destroying-of.
All in all, it’s clear that Brexit has lived up to its promise and I am confident that the years ahead will be filled with successes that will surpass even the many I’ve enumerated in this speech.
Finally, as you all know, I like to pretend I’m clever and educated by ostentatiously tossing off the occasional Latin phrase and today is no exception. So I’ll just leave you with the inspiring thought that alea jacta est, sic pereat totum. Rule Britannia and god save us all!