The Gospels According To Donald J. Trump

How to improve a totally lame, like really dull, old book

Image credit: Politico

Nobody knows this but I’ve got great words, the best words. Words like nobody’s got.

So they told me, Donald, Mister President, we’ve got this problem. There’s this old book, see, and it’s got something to do with something. Kristy’s aunt Ee, or something. Dumb name for an aunt, but whatever. Can I fix it?

Can I ever! I mean, I’m the guy who paid that guy to write my own book, right? Nobody knows books better than me. I’ve got the best books. Lots of crayons, color them in. Did you know the yellow crayons don’t taste so great after all? Nobody knows that but me. ’Cause I’m a genius.

I’ve got the Even-Jellycals behind me. Those guys are so dumb. Me, I’ve got dumb everywhere. Carson, Barr, Ross, DeVoss… those guys are beyond dumb. And I know dumb, believe me. Nobody understands dumb like I do. I’m like the genius of dumb. And my kids! I mean, look at them! Dumb as rocks. What happened there? They got my genes, they’re supposed to be like me.

I just don’t get it.

Anyway, I tell them, tell me some of the stuff Kristy’s aunt is into. I’m thinking water sports, maybe girl-on-girl, like the stories Mikey Pence tells me when I’m in…