The Gospels According To Donald J. Trump
Nobody knows this but I’ve got great words, the best words. Words like nobody’s got.
So they told me, Donald, Mister President, we’ve got this problem. There’s this old book, see, and it’s got something to do with something. Kristy’s aunt Ee, or something. Dumb name for an aunt, but whatever. Can I fix it?
Can I ever! I mean, I’m the guy who paid that guy to write my own book, right? Nobody knows books better than me. I’ve got the best books. Lots of crayons, color them in. Did you know the yellow crayons don’t taste so great after all? Nobody knows that but me. ’Cause I’m a genius.
I’ve got the Even-Jellycals behind me. Those guys are so dumb. Me, I’ve got dumb everywhere. Carson, Barr, Ross, DeVoss… those guys are beyond dumb. And I know dumb, believe me. Nobody understands dumb like I do. I’m like the genius of dumb. And my kids! I mean, look at them! Dumb as rocks. What happened there? They got my genes, they’re supposed to be like me.
I just don’t get it.
Anyway, I tell them, tell me some of the stuff Kristy’s aunt is into. I’m thinking water sports, maybe girl-on-girl, like the stories Mikey Pence tells me when I’m in bed and I’ve got the Presidential adult diaper fastened around my man parts and it makes me a little excited. By the way, Obama didn’t have a Presidential diaper. Only me. ’Cause I’m so much better than he was.
So they read me some of the stuff that’s in that old book. And I’m like, Dullsville!
I mean, like, totally not inspiring. Not like me. I inspire millions. Every day. I guarantee it, when people are on the can every morning they’re thinking of me. I have that affect on people. I can get movement going in a whole big crowd.
So I’m like, we gotta rework the fishes thing. Who the f*ck eats fish anyway? If there’s a crowd and they’re hungry after listening to one of my great speeches, guess what? We got Trump Steaks, we got Trump Fries, we got Trump hotdogs. Very reasonably priced, only $9.99 for the hotdog. Maybe Trump cola too. How much? I don’t know. Lots. Yuge. The best cola. Worth every cent. I can feed millions and all the profits come straight to me.
I mean, to my hands-off foundation. That I know nothing about. Really. I know nothing. Nobody knows nothing like me.
And those tax breaks are nothing to do with me either. I just take advantage like any smart person would. If you had a tax code that basically says Donald J. Trump doesn’t have to pay any taxes, wouldn’t you use that little loophole? That’s what I do, ’cause I’m a genius. Not my fault if other people don’t have people writing the tax code for them.
Oh yeah, the book.
Next up I fixed that Loser Samaritan story. I mean, what a dope! This guy’s on the ground, he’s been knocked around, probably an illegal immigrant rapist murderer, deserved everything he got, am I right? So the Samaritan comes along and what should he do? That’s right! Take advantage! That’s the smart businessman thing to do. The other guy’s already down, how hard will it be? He’s gotta have something left to take, right? Always look for the angle, something to give you the edge over the other guy. That’s what life’s all about.
Then there’s that stuff about a burning bush. Totally lame. What’s so hot about a burning bush? Let me tell you, a burning pecker is a helluva lot worse, and I should know. Turned out that fifteen-year-old I met at Epstein’s party wasn’t so innocent after all. Don’t know why Melania got so mad. It’s not like her pecker was pissing fire like mine was.
And then there’s the walking on water routine. Why’s that such a big deal? I walk all over the US Constitution every single day, and that’s way more impressive, right? And little Mitch McConnell, or Mitch the Bitch as I always call him, I walk over him too. Good lips, though, gotta say that for the guy. Not as talented as Mikey Pence but pretty damn close and as I always say, never turn down a blowjob.
OK, so now I’m getting bored. Listening to that Kristy’s aunt stuff was like listening to an intelligence briefing. Something I’m way too smart to do. Why waste my valuable time when Mister Putin calls me every day to tell me what’s the real smart thing to do? By the way, did you know genius in Russian is durak? They all call me that over there. We need those guys, get them back into NATO, all that stuff.
Then they tell me, this Jesus guy in the story, he raises someone from the dead. So what? And what kinda name is Jesus anyway? One of those Hispanish names, right? We’re gonna put him in a detention center just as soon as I’ve finished telling you about my book. No way he’s getting past my wall. Great wall, by the way, the best. Everybody says so, even the Israelis. And they know walls.
Where was I? Oh, yeah, raising the dead. Totally lame. And then coming back from the dead? Just one time? Is that all? I’ve come back from bankruptcy four times. So I win! That makes me the greatest.
OK, that’s it, I’m done. My latest book, available everywhere for only $299.99 plus tax, everyone needs one, everyone should buy one. Buy two. ’Cause it’s that good. I’m calling it The Whole-E Burble.
The E stands for E-mazing, by the way. That’s mine. Nobody makes words like me. I’m a genius. And way more handsome than some illegal guy from one of those shit-hole Mexican countries down there.
Just believe in me.
What could possibly go wrong?