Even if we have seen it all before
Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls, and everyone who identifies in any way with anything and everything else, please take your seats for this year’s exciting Culture Wars grand opening.
On the (far) Right we have our old favorite and returning Champion, the Superman of Stupidity, the Creature of Cluelessness, the Icon of Ignorance, Mister Religious Conservative. Our all-white friend, weighing in at a slender 480 pounds of desirable flab, is here to defend indefensible values and persecute everyone who’s got an IQ greater than their shoe size and more than a kindergarten education.
MRC is ready and eager to do battle against all Progressives, Liberals, Know-It-All Pointy Heads, and Satan-worshipping Intellekt-youalls who can read those wordy-whatisit things when everyone knows god invented cartoons so that we wouldn’t get our heads all confused by trying to understand stuff we were never meant to have in our three pounds of head ballast the good lord put there to stop our tops from bobbing about.
MRC’s hobbies include tweeting hate against everyone who’s not like him, over-eating unhealthy foods, consuming vast amounts of pharmaceutical products and alcohol (often at the same time), and meeting attractive young men in airport toilets.
On the (far) Left we have our returning perpetual Challenger, the PC Pugilist, the Safe Spaces Superperson, the Imperator of Intolerance, the Fringe Causes Fighter, the Warrior of Woke, Mzrs Ze/Zhey Dogmatist. Our multi-ethnic-gender-orientated friend weighs in at an unspecified quantity that rejects measurement systems because they are all oppressive instruments of the patriarchy. Ze/Zhey iz/az here to persecute other progressives for the transgressive crime of not being sufficiently progressive to qualify for Advanced Wokerization Certification. Though of course certification is firmly rejected as being merely a tool of the patriarchy.
MZZD is champion of all obscure causes and transiently fashionable edge cases. Ze/Zhey is obsessed with defending Political Purity against those who are insufficiently pure, namely other progressive activists. Focused entirely on virtue signaling, MZZD is dedicated to online evisceration of all who fall beneath zheir standard of Progressive Purity. As such, MZZD has no time to do battle against MRC and thus forfeits the contest once again, as is traditional each and every year.
MZZD’s hobbies include looking for ever more obscure positions to champion, cutting zherselfz with ethically-sourced gluten-free razor blades, scouring social media for anything that may indicate that a former champion of progressive causes has committed the Ultimate Crime of not being sufficiently Politically Correct as determined by this morning’s Political Correctness Forecast, memorizing today’s must-cite buzzwords, and eating zheir own socks in the belief that this will reduce global CO2 emissions and thus Save The Planet.
We now ring the bell and watch to see what happens next.
As expected (because, hey, we’ve seen this a hundred times before) MRC waddles forward and squashes MZZD against the ropes. This is an illegal maneuver but the referee doesn’t call foul because MRC has paid them off in advance and only losers care about legal and illegal and anyway legal is whatever MRC says it is and no so-called judge traitor enemy of the people is going to say otherwise.
MZZD hasn’t noticed, because zhey are too busy screaming abuse at zheir own support team. Apparently one of the team is wearing a color that as of 10.17 this morning is now understood to be a micro-aggression against people who suffer from a rare skin pigmentation disease.
MRC slams MZZD into the canvas and proceeds to mark zhem with a red-hot iron cross, helpfully shaped not unlike our old friend the swastika for quick & easy brand recognition. MZZD meanwhile is busy blogging a manifesto using an entirely new character set based on the shape of plant leaves grown in organic gardens and tended by woke gardeners because standard character sets are a tool of the patriarchy designed to subordinate non-woke people to the evils of capitalism. The fact that no one on the planet will be able to understand this important and radical and life-altering manifesto is irrelevant and also entirely the fault of the patriarchy which always acts to suppress radical disobedience. Hashtag #LeafPowerMatters.
MCR now stumbles and, carried by his own manly bulk, falls from the ring and crushes half of MZZD’s support team, none of whom noticed zheir impending doom because zhey were too busy excoriating each other via social media for being insufficiently body image positive, transgender rights positive, LGBTFVBRISEYGCHYWP positive, diversity positive, and canceling positive.
The uncrushed half of the MZZD team is now earnestly engaged in blaming each other for the inexplicable demise of zheir former colleagues. Most are claiming that the accident could have been avoided if only everyone had been more radical, had promoted more infeasible solutions, and been more acutely sensitive about potentially exclusionary social constructs. Where was everyzun when the rights of transgender amoeba needed to be defended? Who stood up for the rights of extinct creatures when it mattered? Why is the world letting paleontologists impose fascist gender assignments on dinosaur fossils without consulting the fossils zhemselves?
What do we see now? MRC has suffered an unfortunate bowel accident and the floor is being covered with the last two weeks of his food intake. But this isn’t distracting the remnants of the MZZD team from tearing at each other’s throats in a desperate bid for suicide by Ultimate Political Correctness. Meanwhile those members of the audience seated in the first twenty-eight rows are desperately trying to scramble to safety before the brown sludge reaches them.
Now MRC seems to be drowning in his own effluent. He’s thrashing around but his three neurons are insufficient to permit him to understand what’s happening. All around him the bodies of MZZD team members are strewn in bizarre arrangements, each the result of a last desperate effort to out-virtue-signal everyone else.
There’s one person left amid the carnage: a single member of the MZZD team who by sheer chance escaped the internecine blood-letting of zheir own colleagues. Zhe is looking around, clearly perplexed, unable to understand what’s happened and why.
Except…. Obviously, whatever it was, it was clearly all the fault of The Patriarchy.