The original transcript for Her Majesty’s December 2019 address to the people of the dis-United Kingdom

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Image credit: Metro UK

“Hello. As many of you know, I have given a speech every Christmas Day since nineteen fifty-two. This is, therefore, my sixty-seventh speech.

This is, perhaps, the most difficult speech I will ever make. This year, for reasons that are completely incomprehensible to me but which my beloved husband Prince Phillip attributes to appalling human stupidity, I find myself in the position of having to entertain a blustering prancing compulsive liar as my Prime Minister. A Prime Minister who, it must be acknowledged, lied to me and to Parliament and to the people of our once-great nation not once but many hundreds of times. A Prime Minister for whom no words of opprobrium can be sufficient now that, most unfortunately, I am no longer permitted to utter the phrase ‘Off with his head.’

Thus it is that I now preside as a figurehead over a nation that has elected a self-obsessed unscrupulous charlatan an a motley coterie of dull-witted hangers-on because they promised to tear the United Kingdom out of the greatest single peacetime enterprise known to history.

Our reasonably prosperous nation will, in the months and years ahead, decline with a speed incomprehensible to those who voted for this massive self-harm. This inevitable decline will, of course, be blamed on the very institution that was hitherto helping us maintain our prosperity. And so further mistrust and division and hatred will ultimately lead not only to our economic ruin but also to the end of NATO.

To that end, my family and I are engaged in the study of the Russian language. I encourage any of my subjects with an IQ larger than their hat size to follow our example so as to be ready for the inevitable future that awaits us as a vassal state owned by the USA and manipulated by the Kremlin.

I recognize that everyone who voted for Brexit will of course be incapable of learning anything at all, but I am gratified to understand from President Putin that his new program of trebling the number of Russian gulags will sufficiently accommodate our surprisingly large number of mental defectives once Russia has annexed us in order to protect the seventeen Russian passport holders who presently reside in large mansions in Bayswater and Knightsbridge.

As anyone with more than no functioning neurons in their frontal cortex will be well aware, post-Brexit Britain is up for sale. My government’s populist borrowing plans will require great sacrifices to be made, and no one is better placed to make these sacrifices than the British people themselves. The government has already sold Cobham Industries to a US buyer, thus giving away our former lead in high technology armor and munitions.

BEA Systems will be sold next, and after that the National Health Service will be sold to a conglomerate of American insurance companies. This will all be in the name of making us a great nation once again but the real result will be to hollow us out and leave us entirely in the position of lap-dog to the United States and simultaneously entirely vulnerable to the predations of Russia and China.

Although my dear husband and consort Prince Phillip says that you who voted for Brexit did so because you are infinitely ignorant and stupid, I prefer to believe you did it because you imagined it to be patriotic. Which was, of course, infinitely ignorant and stupid.

So my family and I have therefore concluded there is little point in us remaining as empty figureheads for a nation committed to populist self-destruction. We have therefore acquired German passports so we at least can continue to benefit from being part of the European Union.

In addition we have acquired several very pleasant properties in Tuscany and in the vicinity of Aix-en-Provence.

We would invite you to visit us from time to time but as in post-Brexit there will be no transportation available between this damp backward-looking little island and the rest of the world, it would be a worthless gesture. Instead, we shall simply upload pictures of ourselves enjoying the sunshine, the food, and the culture while you fester and mold under damp grey skies while mumbling on the remains of half-baked ideas and half-baked turnips.

In conclusion I would like to say that although my family and I have enjoyed a somewhat deserved reputation as being intellectually sub-par, it gives me a certain satisfaction now, near the end of my reign, to have it demonstrated with such abundant clarity how so many of my subjects compare so very poorly to the intellectual capabilities of a common amoeba. For all our many shortcomings, my family and I would never have been so astonishingly stupid to have voted for Brexit.

And on that cheery note I wish you all a very pleasant turnip supper. We shall think of you, a little, perhaps, from our new residence overlooking the vineyards of Tuscany.

Your former Monarch, over and out.”

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