The Self-Partnered’s Guide To Cheating On Yourself

How to be so woke that you trigger yourself through sexual infidelity with yourself

Image credit: IMDB

Today, as a really hip, groovy, and with-it person you are so far out and woke that you don’t need anyone else to complete you; you are self-partnered.

You, the self-partnered, understand the deep satisfaction that comes from being so self-referential that you buy yourself gifts, leave yourself loving messages on post-it notes, and send yourself flowers to express your undying love for yourself. As a self-partnered person, you know the joys of traveling with the perfect companion: yourself. You always know just what you want, and you always laugh at your own jokes.


As a self-partnered person you are truly woke because only you aren’t taking advantage of another human being by exploiting psycho-sexual-cultural-ethnic-religious-gender structures foisted on us by The Patriarchy and possibly also by the Freemasons, International Jewry, the US Government, Capitalism, and Satan.

Unfortunately, as a self-partnered person you face one enormous dilemma: how to enjoy the trauma that’s the birthright of every sentient creature? How can you enjoy the deliciously self-referential feelings of shame and guilt that can only be induced by cheating on your partner?

At first blush it would seem impossible for the self-partnered to access this wellspring of regret and remorse. How, after all, can you possibly cheat on yourself? Wouldn’t you notice? And who would you cheat with? Because if it was with another human being then surely you’d no longer qualify as self-partnered?

Fear no more: this seemingly intractable dilemma has a solution.

Welcome to the wonderful world of multiple personalities. This is the path for all self-partnered people who wish to fully engage with their self-partnering experience. The development of multiple personalities enables you to experience the joys of infidelity while continuing to fly solo through the thick fluffy clouds of life.

By developing multiple personalities, you can select two as your primary self-relationship and then see alternative personalities on the down-low. While your second-primary personality is thinking about the shopping list or binge-watching Netflix, your primary-primary personality can have a quickie with a tertiary personality. Of course, your second-primary is bound to find out — after all, even a quickie leaves tell-tale residues — and then all the lovely guilt and remorse and tears and accusations can be enjoyed to the full, while still maintaining your status as self-partnered.

Of course, this petal-strewn path to full self-indulgence is not one upon which ordinary mortals may tread. Regular folk have jobs, children, and other responsibilities that can’t be ignored. So only you who are truly fortunate, the wealthy and transiently famous celebrity featured on glossy magazines at supermarket checkouts, can take advantage of the opportunity to fully immerse yourself in a permanent orgy of self-indulgence.

That’s why the rest of us follow you so assiduously and gaze at you so avidly as we go about our quotidian lives. We know we want to be as self-obsessed and as self-righteous as our favorite Hollywood A-Lister but we lack the means and the opportunity. So we live vicariously through you, the perfectly self-partnered, as you live entirely for, and with, yourself.

It’s a funny old world, really.

Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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