Who’d have guessed that actions have consequences?

Image credit: US News & World Report

In the last few days, tens of millions of US citizens have found themselves shocked — shocked! — to discover that a lifetime spent consuming massive amounts of junk food combined with a totally sedentary lifestyle turns out to have unfortunate consequences for their health.

This astonishing news, which absolutely no one could have predicted in any way at all, has left the nation quivering with fear. Nearly one hundred million US citizens who until very recently were happily swallowing countless prescription medications per day to counter the effects of high blood pressure, coronary disease, emphysema, bowel dysfunction, and a wide range of other exciting ailments, have woken to find their complacency rudely disturbed.

In totally unexpected news, medical researchers have revealed that an excessively unhealthy lifestyle results in an under-performing immune system. Or, to put in in layman’s terms: lardy folk get sick more easily than healthy folk.

As eighty-six percent of US citizens today are overweight and on average walk less than three miles per week, it’s not surprising this awful news has led to hysteria across the nation.

To assess what impact this devastating new information is having, we’ve interviewed a representative sample of Americans.

“Frankly I think it’s all baloney,” said Pastor Billy-Bob Bloater, a renowned world-expert in fastening his Velcro shoe-laces who hails from a small town in rural Missouri. “I mean, if the Good Lord had meant us to embrace fruit like all them so-called experts say, He’d have made us all natural-born faggots.”

“I blame them demo-rats,” shouted Marjory Dolan from behind the counter of family-owned Big-Bustin’ Burger Bar restaurant in Cleveland, Ohia. “They’s always been wantin’ to take away our triple-patty quad-cheese quad-bacon & maple syrup burgers and extra-extra-extra fries. It’s ’cause they hate freedom and want to impose communism here in God’s own nation. But it ain’t gonna happen, not while Papy ’n’ me have our Barrett 50 cals!”

Lifelong Republican voter Jimmy Smalls had this to say from his home in upper New York State: “It’s always the little guy who gets left behind. I mean, we can’t afford to tell a doctor to write a note saying we’re healthy like President Trump can. It’s fine for rich folk to have pieces of paper that protect them, but what about the rest of us? I’d sure like to see the government pass a law that says we all can get doctors to write notes saying we’re in great shape. That sure would save a lot of people from worrying, I can tell you!”

“It’s all very well saying that people should take responsibility for themselves,” said Danny Lightfood, a well-known talk show host on San Francisco’s left-leaning WDEM radio station, “but it’s irresponsible to blame people for their own behavior. What we need is a lot more government intervention in personal health, like sending trained care-givers to people’s homes to encourage them to get out of bed, or off the sofa, once a week. And maybe suggest that eighteen McSlop burgers for dinner is one too many. That’s the kind of help a caring government should be providing, especially during times of crisis.”

“Personally I’m not concerned,” Fotisma Yogagura informed us while stretching on a custom $300 organic hemp mat. “I use a detox foot bath every day so I’m in perfect health. And besides, I have healing crystals in every room so that means I’m never sick.” Unfortunately, this interview was cut short as Fotisma needed to go to her Dark Restful Sanctuary room as she was struck by her daily migraine mid-conversation.

“I sure ain’t takin’ this lying down,” we were assured by Larry Possum of Little Big Creek, Texas. “I’m gonna stand up for my right to eat whatever I want, whenever I want! Only not exactly stand, on account of the fact I can’t get out of bed without help. But that don’t signify nothing.”

“Hey, I’m so glad you called,” said Carly Angle from her home in Santa Monica. “Yeah, this health thing sure is a bummer. But guess what? There’s a cure! Yes, for only $299.99 you can buy our All-Inclusive Guide To Perfect Health Without Changing Your Life In Any Way. It comes with a $49.99 per month supplement and a free gift that costs only $109.99 plus shipping and tax. We’re basically giving away the secret to eternal life. So, let me just take your details, starting with your credit card number…”

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