The Universe Is My Personal Butler

Image for post
Image for post
Image credit: International Luxury Yachts SarL

The following transcript, acquired from an apartment in La Jolla CA, comes to us thanks to the untiring efforts of Amazon’s Alexa and the NSA.

“Let me tell you, I’m so, like, totally stoked, you know? ’Cause there’s this thing called Power Of Attraction and it’s, like, the most awesome thing ever!

Here’s how it works: if I want something, I just, like, think about it! And then the universe knows I want it and then totally gives it to me. ’Cause I deserve it.

Hey, I’m not stupid! I mean, I know nearly all the capitals of the fifty States, right? And I know like the universe is really old, like maybe a hundred years or something. I know that because in one of my past lives I was a Princess Queen an’ I had all these servants and a big palace and it was totally awesome. And I’d go around doing Princess Queen stuff. You can’t tell me about history!

And I’m way smarter than Kelly. She, like, doesn’t know the difference between Louboutin and Jimmy Choo! I mean, they aren’t spelled the same! Duh!

Anyway, like I was saying, this Power Of Attraction is like the best thing ever. As soon as I heard about it, I was like, hey girl, you gotta try this right now! So I went downtown and saw this totally awesome killer cute designer dress in the boutique window and I said, hey Universe, listen up! I really really need that dress!

And you know what? I like just went into the shop and gave them my Amex card, you know, the one that’s linked to my trust fund, right? So anyway, I gave them the card and they just like gave me the dress! Just like that! It was totally amazing! The Universe knew what I needed and it, like, gave it to me! How awesome is that???

So then I was like back on the sidewalk and I saw there was this ticket on my Maserati SUV. You know, the one I got last week ’cause it was that cute pink color? Anyway, I said to myself, like, I so don’t deserve this ticket, so I just ripped it up! The Universe knew I wasn’t supposed to get hit up for parking like some regular dufus.

So then I’m driving to Chez Eux to meet Carrie and Diane when suddenly this total asshole like just drives right into me! I mean, I’m in the middle of texting Suzy and next thing I look up and there’s his like three years old Porsche right in front of me! I mean, give me a break! And he’s not even in it! He’s like standing there putting coins into the parking meter! How lame is that?

So I put down my window and start telling him what a jerk he is, making me bend my brand-new Maserati, and he’s all like, hey, you didn’t ought to drive into the back of my parked car. What a lame-oh! So I’m like, you dumb shit, don’t you know better than to park your really old Porsche right where people are driving? I mean, some people!

And then Suzy texts me back so I have to stop telling him what an asshole he is, ’cause she wants to know if she should order a Cosmopolitan or a Long Island Ice Tea and I’m like totally for the Cosmo, ’cause it goes better with salad, right? And then the asshole guy says, hey, maybe if you didn’t text while you were driving you wouldn’t drive into parked cars. And I’m like, rolling my eyes, what a dumb-ass.

So anyway, I told the Universe I need a new SUV and it better send me one that’s smart enough to get out of the way of crappy old Porsches.

Power Of Attraction is all about visualizing what I want, sort of like drawing a picture for the Universe just like I did when I was a kid and I wanted a new bike from Santa. So then the Universe knows what I want, and it’s like totally gonna give it to me. Only sometimes I don’t get it straight away. Which sucks. I mean, I’ve told the Universe it needs to get its act together, I don’t have all day, but… things that were meant to be always happen for a reason so I guess I’m supposed to wait sometimes. Which blows big-time, but whatever.

So now I’m like visualizing a real big yacht. It will be super cool to chill on the deck of like a three-hundred-footer, working on my tan and sipping a Daquiri while this totally down Thai chick massages my feet for a few hours.

And hey, that’s why I called. Wanna come over this afternoon so we can go find my yacht? I bet the Universe will stick it in the marina. I mean, like where else would it go? In the mall? Yeah, right! If you were the universe would you put my mega-yacht in the mall? No way, right?

We’ll find it real easy ’cause I told the Universe I want it in pink and teal. You know: classy, sophisticated. Plus, it goes with my ear-rings.

Anyhow, bring your swimsuit ’cause I visualized like this awesome enormous pool on deck.

You’re gonna love it.

Written by

Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store