The World’s Greatest Invention

Stand aside, perpetual motion machines and magic space-drives. All quail before the Photon Pulse Sword!

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Image credit: Wookiepedia

History has no shortage of naïve inventors who variously imagine they’ve created perpetual motion machines, cold fusion, EM drives that push out more power than is fed into them, and most recently a supposed gravity wave machine.

The common thread linking all these ideas, and so very many more, is that everything we know to be true about physics is wrong and besides who needs to know about physics anyway? It’s enough to have a half-baked grasp of some basic ideas and then run sideways from there.

Which is not to say that I’m opposed to people tinkering on the fringes, convinced they’ve invented a faster-than-light hamster wheel or a miniature black hole made out of crushed Twinkies. These “inventions” provide reliable amusement and distraction.

More importantly, they provide investment opportunities. Suppose, just suppose, one of these outlandish inventions really truly worked? Think of the massive fortunes to be made by any investor smart enough to get in early on the ground floor!

And so it is that I proudly present my own unique and physics-shattering invention: the Photon Pulse Sword™.

To illustrate its awesomeness I’ve used a picture taken from a well-known scene in a children’s sci-fi movie.

But how do we go from CGI fiction to real-world magnificence?

Obviously, there are details I can only disclose to potential investors under the strictest of Non-Disclosure Agreements, but the rough outline is as follows:

Inside the handle of the Photon Pulse Sword (hereafter PPS for the sake of brevity) is a powerful electromagnet that creates a vertically-oriented monopolar magnetic containment field that’s strong enough to contain photons between the frequencies of 430 to 770 THz (terahertz). By sheer coincidence this also happens to be the range of light visible to the human eye, which has important consequences we’ll note later on, not the least of which is being super-awesome to see in action.

The photons themselves are emitted by a miniature spinning black hole located at the base of the handle. This black hole is created by crunching down a Snickers bar so that its entire mass is contained within a Schwarzschild radius of 1.37 x 10^-27µ. Precise details of how we make this mini-black hole are proprietary but I can tell you it involves the use of my uncle’s vice-grip in his garage.

After emission the photons are further accelerated by the magnetic field and thus amplified in power many millions of times, becoming more powerful than the world’s most powerful laser in just a few hundredths of a second, or at least in less time than it takes the second hand of my stopwatch to go from one indicator mark to the next. And that’s pretty darn fast, let me assure you.

As you’ve probably guessed, the power generated by this amplification is millions of times greater than the power going into the device, which relies on three AAA batteries just like a Petzl head-torch only way more sexy. This means we can draw some of the resulting power of the PPS to recharge the three AAA batteries, giving us infinite amounts of energy forever. Users will therefore never have to replace the batteries (which won’t be included in the box, by the way, so you’ll have to buy your own. But hey, so what, it’s still a bargain.).

A basic schematic of the PPS is shown below:

Now you’re probably asking: what can I do with a Photon Pulse Sword?

Glad you asked!

The PPS has a wide range of uses. First of all, imagine you’re worried about Russia launching a nuclear missile attack against the USA. In the old days that would have been a pretty unhelpful kind of gesture for our Russian-speaking friends to make. With a PPS in your hand, however, all you have to do is stand where the missile will come down and then ZAP!! You slice it in half just before it hits you on the head. Problem solved!

Next up, let’s say you want to depilate your upper lip and maybe trim back some of that unsightly nostril hair too. No problem for PPS! Just a quick pass over your lip and a gentle insertion up the nose and voila: hair all gone! Plus, most likely you’ll now have a nice upper-lip tan and a great inner-nose skin hue to go with it! And because the PPS glows in visible light, you can even do this in the dark!

These days everyone is going electric to save the planet. What better way to recharge your electric dog scooter than to shove the PPS right into the charging socket? Within moments your electric runabout will have all the power it will ever need! Or you’ll have a lump of twisted metal and plastic. Your mileage may vary. But trust me: either way it will be super awesome.

Military uses are of course going to be the place we see greatest application of the PPS. This will work by duct-taping a PPS to the front of every fighter jet, thus replacing those one-time-use old-fashioned missiles and rockets and guns. Now dogfights can be super cool as the pilots maneuver to stab their opponents or duel nose-to-nose like real men do.

Soldiers (oops, sorry: Modern Warfighters) can use the PPS as a force-multiplier: picture a Marine rushing up to an enemy tank and just slicing it in half!

Civilians can get the same benefit by having a PPS within hand’s reach in their automobiles. The next time someone cuts you off, you cut them into pieces! The roads will be safer in next to no time!

It doesn’t take a genius to see that applications for the PPS are many, and the fortune to be made is incalculable. For that reason I’m offering, for a limited time only, the opportunity to invest in bringing the PPS to market.

I’m looking for people with vision and money. Mostly money. Money they’re willing to give to me so I can scale up my prototype and build the greatest company the world has ever seen. By 2022 its market capitalization will be at least a trillion hundred dollars. At least. Maybe more.

Due to the special nature of Earth’s gravitational field at this precise location, the R&D lab will be situated on Bora-Bora. Our initial $500 million budget will be spent on electromagnets, high-tensile alloys, LED emitters, a Snickers bar, and sunscreen lotion. Mostly sunscreen lotion, because burned researchers can’t be productive researchers.

The good news is that we have a clear exit strategy. The first $500 million will result in the creation of our first functional prototype (maybe). After that a second $500 million will enable us to scale up to produce a second prototype. At this point we’ll go straight to the bottom and get Trump to back the PPS for his newly created Space Force. Because, c’mon, space soldiers need space weapons, right? And rebranded as the Trump Sabre, the PPS will become the centerpiece of US military might.

For only a mere $100 billion.

Because it’s only taxpayers’ dollars and everyone knows they don’t count.

Much like the President himself.

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Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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