There’s always auto-sadism whereby one records one’s own voice saying “No” and puts it on a 5-second loop. Then you get down on your knees and beg, “please whip me!” (“No”), “Please hurt me!” (“No”) and so on until you either enjoy release or expire from boredom (and we’re fine with either outcome…).

If that fails to float your boat, how about something truly electrifying? Wander into the bedroom and surprise your partner by holding a 100w lightbulb in one hand while holding one strand of an unsheathed electrical cable in your other hand and the second strand underfoot. Then whisper in a sultry voice, “Want to really turn me on?”

By the way, we may be able to save money on therapy bills by seeing if we can qualify for a two-for-one deal…

Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.