This study merely proves what we already know: science doesn’t know anything. The researchers were looking in the wrong place. The true truth is that the Chinese are hiding data from their space craft that’s been surveying the dark side of the Moon because it clearly shows Nessie living in a pyramid with Elvis and JFK, courtesy of an advanced alien civilization that provides tourist trips to Earth for all extra-terrestrials suffering from Advanced Probing Fetish. Nessie beams down to Loch Ness periodically to scoop up enough water to refill the pyramid’s Jacuzzi, as all the post-probing splashing around tends to deplete it somewhat. If those lying scientists had bothered to fly to the moon and had sampled the Jacuzzi water they’d have found Nessie’s DNA. Lots of it. And that’s the true truth, as we all know.

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