Ladies and Gentlemen, Cis-and-Transgenders, Hetero and Homo and Bisexual and Pansexual and Sapiosexual and Omnisexual and Asexual beings of all identifications and preferences and pronouns, thank you for tuning in to this multicast which is offered in the original and in translation so that you all are able to follow along.
Translation: “Hey dudes, like, totally, here we are, OK?”
On this auspicious day we will witness the launch of Seedling One, the most technologically ambitious project humankind has ever attempted. It is literally impossible to exaggerate how important this project is to the future of our species.
Translation: “We’re gonna launch a f*cking big rocket.”
As everyone knows, the human race clings on to a precarious existence on our single planet of origin. Any one of a million different catastrophes could erase us at any moment. For eons we had no choice but to pray and sacrifice to our gods in the hope they would keep us safe. Today all that has changed forever. Today we take the future of humankind into our own hands.
Translation: “We’re gonna save you from the bad stuff.”
In order to ensure the continuation of our species we have embarked on the creation of hundreds of vast spacecraft, each one of which can carry tens of millions of humans to the stars. Science has identified thousands of potentially habitable planets where humanity can create new homes and new ways of living. Seedling One is the first of these spacecraft and over the coming weeks the rest shall take on their cargos of passengers and set course for these suitable planets.
Translation: “It’s gonna be just like Star Trek and Star Wars and Serenity and all the other great shows you’ve seen, except maybe no light sabres. Yeah, bummer about the light sabres.”
In order to ensure equity, fairness, and effectiveness we have opened the doors to everyone regardless of achievement, skin color, religious beliefs, political affiliation, or the ability to tie their own shoelaces. No one shall be precluded from this great effort to change our destiny. The response to our project has been deeply gratifying, with billions flocking eagerly to their nearest starship dock. The only exceptions to the great flood of humanity clamoring to be saved from possible extinction are the scientists and engineers and artists who, sadly, must sacrifice themselves and remain here on Earth in order to ensure that nothing goes wrong and that everyone who leaves is safely transported into the cosmos.
Translation: “Some dudes aren’t going ’cause basically they’re dipshits who’d probably spoil the party so screw ‘em.”
We few who must remain bound to our planet of origin can only wish you well as you depart forever, destined to carry the seeds of humanity ever-outward into the great void. We know you will take your beliefs and attitudes, your prejudices and your ignorance, with you wherever you go. We know these things, which have so forcefully shaped our past, will continue to shape your futures. We who remain will remember your departure with fondness, understanding your role in the Great Plan. Although we cannot go with you we applaud your journey, knowing it creates new and better opportunities for the future of humankind.
Translation: “So long, dudes. It’s been real.”