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Today’s FBI Briefing
A transcript of the Director’s briefing, February 3rd 2021
FBI Director: “OK team, listen up. We all know the President issued Executive Order #7163 which states that only a Republican-controlled Senate is allowed to create and pass legislation. We also know that the first Bill to be passed in this way is the Save America Act.”
Special Agent Earnest: “Sir, Sir! I’ve seen that series! On Netflix, right? I love the orange guy! He’s hilarious! And that bit where he says he wants to fuck his daughter! Fun-neee!”
FBI Director: “Sit down, Agent. So, what does the Save America Act mean for us? Simple: it makes us the first line of defense against liberals and progressives and anyone with an IQ over 90. It’s our job to make sure the President can keep doing his job without being harassed by pointy-head traitors who think just because they can read and do numbers they’re smarter than us. Remember: they don’t call us the Feebs for nothing!”
Special Agent Dullard: “Sir? Why do they call us the feebs?”
FBI Director: “Numbskull! It’s because we post our required bribe fee level online. Just like the cops. Just like every right-thinking patriotic politician. If folks didn’t know our fees, how could they know how much to offer us to look the other way? OK, now let’s get back to the briefing. We’ve got all the tech…
