A transcript of the Director’s briefing, February 3rd 2021

Image credit: fbi.gov

FBI Director: “OK team, listen up. We all know the President issued Executive Order #7163 which states that only a Republican-controlled Senate is allowed to create and pass legislation. We also know that the first Bill to be passed in this way is the Save America Act.”

Special Agent Earnest: “Sir, Sir! I’ve seen that series! On Netflix, right? I love the orange guy! He’s hilarious! And that bit where he says he wants to fuck his daughter! Fun-neee!”

FBI Director: “Sit down, Agent. So, what does the Save America Act mean for us? Simple: it makes us the first line of defense against liberals and progressives and anyone with an IQ over 90. It’s our job to make sure the President can keep doing his job without being harassed by pointy-head traitors who think just because they can read and do numbers they’re smarter than us. Remember: they don’t call us the Feebs for nothing!”

Special Agent Dullard: “Sir? Why do they call us the feebs?”

FBI Director: “Numbskull! It’s because we post our required bribe fee level online. Just like the cops. Just like every right-thinking patriotic politician. If folks didn’t know our fees, how could they know how much to offer us to look the other way? OK, now let’s get back to the briefing. We’ve got all the tech companies onboard to help us. Facebook flags suspicious activity and automatically sends everything to the NSA. Now, it would be great if the NSA shared that information with us, but as we all know, they don’t call it the Black Hole Agency for nothing. Vital info goes in, nothing comes back out. And that’s why we’ve got our own arrangements now with every social media organization that wants to make money doing business in the good ol’ USA.”

Special Agent Blank: “Does this mean we get to see titty pictures, Sir?”

FBI Director: “Of course. Perk of the job, right? But the deal is, we’re gonna have to build a pretty sophisticated computer system to scan a whole lot of data. We’re keeping tabs on nearly three hundred and forty million people. That’s eight billion social media uploads a day. Hell, even Janet my secretary can’t keep up with a workload like that. And I should know: she does all my kids’ homework for them and ties my shoelaces for me each morning.”

Special Agent Pinhead: “Sir! Sir! I have an Urgent Priority One Operational Priority Urgency question!”

FBI Director: “What is it, Pinhead?”

Special Agent Pinhead: “Could your secretary do my shoelaces as well? I keep tripping over them and it really hurts my nose.”

FBI Director: “Sure, Pinhead. As soon as you get to be Director. Which is never. Now, back to the briefing. I told our tech whiz Gerry to use our most sophisticated computer to build us a realtime data scanning system. Unfortunately it turns out those so-called geniuses at Microsoft weren’t so smart after all. Gerry says Windows XP, which is our state-of-the-art operating system, can’t handle our requirements. Not even if he uses something called ex el. So I’ve come up with a new plan. We’re just gonna listen in to Alexa and all that other stuff. Every time someone says either Trump or Orange or Moron or Infantile Halfwit or Vermin or Joke or Cretin or Orange Sack of Pus, we bust down their door and arrest them for treason. It’s foolproof.”

Special Agent Brainstem: “Sir! Do we have to gather evidence, Sir?”

FBI Director: “Sure, in the old days we had to do grunt work like that. But you remember how the bad guys would turn on their devices and look for WiFi networks that said fbi9 or fbi4? And then they’d go all, ‘oh, we’re so innocent, we’re not doing anything incriminating’? Well that game’s over for them now. The Save America Act says specifically that if someone’s arrested, the fact of being arrested is proof positive that they’re guilty. Like the Republicans say, who needs evidence these days? And highly respected Harvard law professor Dershowitz says, ‘anyone who says evidence matters clearly wants to harm America.’ So that makes our jobs a whole lot easier, boys. Oh, and one more thing: under the new rules, anyone who claims they’re innocent is automatically guilty.”

Special Agent Brainstem: “Guilty of what, Sir?”

FBI Director: “Of treason, you numbskull. Because a patriot would always confess, to make sure valuable government time and money isn’t wasted on bogus shit like a trial or an investigation. Remember: real patriots always support the government without hesitating or thinking. And how can any loyal patriotic American be truly loyal and patriotic if they start pretending they’re innocent just because they want to waste everyone’s time?”

Special Agent Brainstem: “Thank you, Sir. Makes a whole lotta sense to me!”

FBI Director: “Thing is, boys, we’ve got ourselves some pretty unscrupulous adversaries out there. Turns out, some traitors think they can publish harmful lies about our Great Leader President and our Great Savior Republican Party and get away with it by pretending to be someone else. So we’ve got a list of fake names for you to memorize. If you see anyone pretending to be any of these names, you’re authorized to take them out immediately.”

Special Agent Pinhead: “Take them out where, Sir? To like, a Taco Bell?”

FBI Director: “Unfortunately the Save America Act doesn’t authorize unconventional torture techniques. Waterboarding is fine, electrodes to the genitals is fine, forcing someone to watch the US version of The Office is fine. But until further notice, Taco Bell, Wendy’s, and KFC are all prohibited. Officially, that is. If you get my meaning. OK, here’s the list of names to look out for. Anyone using one of these names is a sure-fire traitor and deserves everything they’ve got coming to them:”

FBI Watchlist: Dangerous Names List of Listed Names that are Dangerous

Allie S.

Sue D. Nym

Fay K. Naim

Anne O. Neemus

Joan A. List

T. Ruth Teller

Al Terego

John D. Oh

Sam Pell A. Liehas

Noam D. Plume

Rip Porter

Corey Spondint

Rhea Al Nyues

FBI Director: “Now get out there, boys. I wanna see you glued to your discount office chairs searching for anything suspicious. FBI SWAT teams are standing by, ready to keep America safe by neutralizing traitors and non-patriots. Oh, and any titty pictures that look like Ivanka have to be sent directly to the White House for a thorough executive review.”

Special Agent Blank: “Can we keep copies for ourselves, Sir?”

FBI Director: “Sure. Just don’t get the photocopier all sticky like last time. Oh, and one final agenda item: uniforms. Hugo Boss has been appointed Official US Republican Government Uniform Provider of Officially Provided Uniforms. Starting next week, we’re all gonna have snappy new suits to wear. They did a great job last time round and we expect even better things from them this time. That concludes today’s briefing. Sieg Heil!

Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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