What if marketing was just a fraction more crass and accidentally truthful?
AD ONE: Hi there! Here at the Women’s Holistic Organic Gluten-Free Upper Chakra Cleansing Collective we believe every woman should squirt proudly.
But maybe not in the grocery section of Whole Foods.
So that’s why we’ve developed our ethical all-natural-fiber kundalini-nurturing moisture-wicking lycra yoga pants.
For only $299.99 you can treat yourself to pants subtly infused with the healing rays of our Himalayan salt crystals and shop safe in the knowledge that no matter how your energy flows your pants will be keeping you dry.
(Removable pads not included, your results may vary.)
AD TWO: You work hard. You’re at the top of your game. Don’t you deserve the best life has to offer? Sure, you’re a CEO and you call the shots. But at the end of each (very long) day your employees scuttle off home where they exercise some slender measure of independence. Maybe they watch shows you don’t approve of. Maybe they occasionally squander the energy they should be devoting to work on frivolities like playing with their pointless kids or once a month having three minutes of carnal pleasure with their partner.
The fact is, even the most powerful CEO lacks complete control.
But now, you don’t have to.
Thanks to Slaves4U, you can buy as many fully-owned human beings as your heart desires.
Sourced unethically from poverty-struck countries, Slaves4U offers a wide range of starving desperate individuals who have signed their lives away in the hope of a better life as one of your personal slaves.
So treat yourself. You know you deserve it.
AD THREE: Tired of seventy-five years of unparalleled peace and prosperity? Unhappy with the wide variety of foods and cuisines that have replaced boiled-everything on the menu? Hating all those inexpensive holidays in the sun when you could be enjoying the dreary drizzle of Britain instead? Resentful of all those foreigners speaking their foreign languages you can’t be bothered to learn and taking all those jobs you’re not qualified for?
Have we got a deal for you!
Boris Johnson, half man, half wit, promises you a return to the Good Old Days when you vote for Brexit. The Empire will come crawling back, begging for us to subjugate them! Spitfires will fly proudly over the White Cliffs of Dover! Your teeth will no longer be crooked!
Why be content with being part of a second-rank nation when you can be a proud part of a third-rank nation instead?
Why be resentful of all those smarmy City types making millions when with Brexit you can destroy hundreds of thousands of well-paying British jobs and bring everyone down to your level?
Want to save the NHS? What better plan than to cripple the UK economy! After all, who needs money to pay all those foreign doctors and nurses without whom the NHS will collapse? They can go back to their own countries where they belong!
Vote Brexit. Because you deserve it.
AD FOUR: You know what you want, and you want it now.
You want to see results today, not tomorrow.
You’re tired of waiting.
That’s why we designed the McSlop Triple-Bypass.
Crammed full of salts, fats, and sugar, McSlop delivers where other burgers disappoint.
It’s not easy to ensure your kids get the best. The best Type II diabetes. The best heart disease. The best emphysema.
But now, with just two McSlop Crappy Meals a day for a week, you can give your kids everything you have.
Live for today like there may be no tomorrow.
AD FIVE: Welcome to www.tinseltrash.com, brought to you by Brainless Starlet Enterprises Inc.
Tinseltrash is where you can find all your must-buy collectables for your complete affirming self-love experience. We know the self-partnered are often discriminated against so we’ve created an entire range of desirable gifts you can lavish on yourself in a wholesome display of self-adoration.
Our birthday cards proudly proclaim Happy Birthday Me! and contain you-focused messages that are guaranteed to warm the very center of your self-centered heart.
Our range of personalized toiletries are embossed with your name and the legend Always More Because I Deserve It!
We’ve even set up a charity so you can donate to yourself in a wholly tax-deductible way! Because we know no one deserves it more than you.
From our $5,000 self-affirmation mirror to our $10,000 hand-stitched monogrammed satin bedsheets, we ensure everything you buy is a reflection of the person you love most: yourself.
And for those occasions where you aren’t getting along with you, we offer pre-delivered apology notes and gifts so you can make up with yourself via a carefully chosen peace offering.
Tinseltrash: your friend for life because life really is all about you.
AD SIX: Hey there, good buddy! Here at God’s Great Guns & Gumbo Inc. we’ve got the very weapons Jesus would’ve used if he’d been lucky enough to be alive today.
Our wide selection of new and pre-owned heathen blasters will thrill and delight you. As a registered religious charity we don’t need to bother with intrusive background checks and waiting periods. Which means you can be home and on your sofa stroking one of our barrels faster than you can read a ketchup label.
Here at G4 we stock rapture-ready ammo in all the popular calibers along with must-have survivalist gear like ready-to-eat packs of delicious shrimp gumbo. These are the real deal, military-issue and manufactured in 1954, back when the US Army knew how to wow with chow and make you feel each meal.
No purchase would be complete without our world-famous ballistic bible. Yes siree, the word of the Lord clad in a DOJ level IIIA certified mix of dyneema and kevlar, in your choice of Christian Camo, Old Testament Olive Drab, and Miracle Multi-Terrain Pattern.
So roll right in for your godly goodies. Cash or gold only, no credit cards accepted.
AD SEVEN: Like, hey, whattsup bitches?
It’s like, we all wanna be like a star, OK? I mean, hashtagIcantbelieveImfamousOMG.
All of us at PlasticPeople are ready to make your awesome dreams totally come true.
You want huge pouty lips that guarantee a liquids-only diet? We got it!
You want a huge bouncy ass your besties will see from a mile away and envy their little hearts out? We got it!
You want tits that will be signed to feature in the new movie about the Hindenburg? Step this way while you still can!
We also do totally awesome painted eyebrows, a full facial makeover, and of course your old favorite the full-body liposuction.
All that stands between you and the look you’ve always wanted is a mere $115,897 plus tax and waiting-room fees.
How cool is that, right? And with our payment plan of only $399.99 per month for 67 years, it’s totally affordable today!
We promise when we’re finished you won’t recognize yourself.
(No discounts for Federal witness protection programs)
AD EIGHT: Aston Martin, Bentley, Rolls-Royce, Jaguar, Lotus, and TRW.
All fine British motorcars made the traditional way by proud British craftsmen.
Cars that could be relied on to stop unexpectedly and proudly block traffic all over the world.
But where are they now?
Bentley is an expensive Volkswagen. Rolls-Royce is a tarted-up BMW 7-series. Jaguar LandRover is owned by people who eat curry three times a day and Lotus is owned by the Chinese. Aston Martin is still nominally British after a record seven bankruptcies but as anyone who’s ever owned an Aston will attest, by tomorrow it could all be over. Again.
But if you’re not interested in owning something built by the only true remaining purveyor of fine British automotive tradition, don’t despair.
Here at BritCrap Motors Ltd we specialize in taking tediously reliable Bentleys and Rolls-Royce cars and turning them into the much-loved fault-prone rust-buckets of old.
We start by pulling out all the German electronics and substituting used parts from Lucas Electrics, bringers of darkness to the British motoring public for nearly fifty years.
We then use high-powered sanders to remove all that annoying paint and afterward we spray the vehicle with saltwater for seventy-two hours, paying special attention to areas where the brine can linger for months afterward. This ensures that traditional patina of dark-red rust so emblematic of the pure British motoring experience.
But this is just the start of our work. We consulted retired British engineers to learn the ways of poorly-lined cylinders, out-of-balance crankshafts, incorrectly-positioned subframes, and of course the art of assembling shock-absorbers so that they leak copiously right from the factory.
We believe in restoring tradition and if you would like to order one of our specially-modified vehicles, then call us today. Or at least as soon as we can get the phone working again.
Please be aware that our delivery schedules are flexible, because most of our workers are on strike.