How America’s favorite news channel keeps us safe from truth

Joey Goebbels: “Hello, good evening, and welcome one and all to another episode of Fox News Tonight, brought to you by the Fox News Network. Our motto: proudly lying to the simple minded since 1996.”

Maria Vladimirovna Zakharova: “And first up tonight: why enemies of the people are wasting their time about the so-called impeachment.”

Joey Goebbels: “But now, tonight’s top story. Respected Republican Senator Lindsey Graham today told reporters that Democrat traitor to the nation Nancy Pelosi almost certainly may have possible mental issues. Seven random doctors contacted by Fox News all refused to comment, which sounds to me like another classic Democrat cover-up.”

Maria Vladimirovna Zakharova: “Meanwhile the highly patriotic Republican Senator Mitch McConnell told reporters that President Trump couldn’t possibly have known that asking Ukraine for help while withholding four hundred million dollars essential for the country to defend itself against Russian aggression would be misrepresented by deep state Democrats and other undemocratic enemies of the people as a crime, so therefore it definitely can’t be a crime.”

Joey Goebbels: “And on the subject of Ukraine, where the heck is that anyway? I mean, why should the American people care about what happens in some shithole country we can’t even spell? And talking about spelling, why are Democrats trying to confuse us with Latin? What does quid pro quo even mean? Seems to me if Democrats can’t even talk proper American, it must mean they’re hiding something.”

Maria Vladimirovna Zakharova: “And it looks like the Justice Department feels the same way, Joey. Today the very patriotic and impartial Attorney General William Barr launched an investigation into anyone who’s been elected as a Democrat during the last thirty years, a period he characterizes as being ‘famous for vote-rigging, ballot-box stuffing, and thousands of billions of fake votes being cast by people from several Mexican countries.’ More on that story as it unfolds.”

Joey Goebbels: “Thanks, Maria. Have to say, your tits are looking great this evening.”

Maria Vladimirovna Zakharova: “Nice of you to notice, Joey.”

Joey Goebbels: “Well, you know how it is: if I didn’t say something nice, some libtard would start shouting about discrimination. Anyhow, in other news, today President Trump, widely recognized throughout the world as the greatest President America has ever produced, saved the world from destruction yesterday evening when he single-handedly foiled a Demo-rat plot to blow up the sun. More on this important story later.”

Maria Vladimirovna Zakharova: “And in other news, earlier today Vice President Mike Pence guided the President’s hand to sign into law the Basic Undisputed Retard Nation act which establishes the post of Witchfinder General. This new position will be responsible for combating the plague of witches that we here at Fox News were instrumental in uncovering in cities throughout California, Oregon, Washington State, and of course Massachusetts. This initiative has already been praised by highly respected religious figures such as the Grand Wizard of the KuKluxKlan, Pastor Jim Bakker, and Ted Cruz.”

Joey Goebbels: “Sounds like just the thing all right-thinking people across the nation have been praying for. One of the many reasons that god put our President into the White House where he can do his good works for the nation”

Maria Vladimirovna Zakharova: “Amen. Staying on politics for a little longer, President Trump announced today that he’s invited Russian President Vladimir Putin, widely recognized as the most forward-thinking and US-friendly President Russia has ever had, to meet him for a special summit at Mar-a-Largo where the two men will discuss such important matters as building a Trump casino in Novisibirsk and plans to extend the visit to Washington DC of the famous Dancing Devotchki, the fifty-strong troop of barely-pubescent Russian females who’ve been delighting senior Republican figures for the last three weeks. More on this later.”

Joey Goebbels: “Thanks Maria. And now: a study just in. A doctor in Black Swamp, Louisiana, has just published an important study that shows voting Democrat causes brain cancer.”

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