Trump Throughout History

Why should our age be the only one to benefit from such magnificence?

Image credit: Vanity Fair

Everyone knows Donald Trump is the greatest leader in history, admired around the world for his intelligence and emotional maturity. He is the personification of everything that’s great about the USA. He’s self-evidently the most supremely supreme leader that’s ever lived (along with the wonderful people’s savior Kim Yong Un of North Korea and the knee-tremblingly magnificent Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow of Turkmenistan).

But while we can count ourselves truly blessed to live in this gilded Age of Trump, what about all those who were born too soon to experience his orange awesomeness? Fortunately, through the magic of counterfactual narrative we can remedy this cosmic oversight. And so, without further ado, let us imagine the triumphant Trump at various pivotal moments in history.

We are now, gentle reader, some hundred thousand years back in prehistory. A group of tired and weary hunter-gatherers cluster around a fire located near the mouth of a small cave. Outside, rain pours unrelenting from the skies. The women are exhausted from foraging and trying to keep the younger members of the group from being eaten by predators while the able-bodied males are spent from a day’s difficult hunt. Only one male seems untouched by the day’s…