Trump’s Glorious Second Term

What will the 45th and soon-to-be 47th President do in his second First Hundred Days?

Image credit: CNN

When Trump begins his second term as President in January 2025, he will immediately tell the nation how a great wrong — the stolen election of 2020 — has been put right. With the aid of a supine Republican-dominated Congress he will instantly proclaim that he’s going to serve two four-year terms to make up for the stolen election. And in his own words, “after that, we’ll see.”

Trump will quickly issue an Executive Order that changes the Pledge of Allegiance to the following text (carefully re-written by aides to remove all spelling and grammatical errors contained within the original note scrawled by Trump with a Sharpie pen on the back of a golf score sheet):

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States and to the President who protects us with his greatness and wisdom and courage and strength. I promise to give my life in service to the President and to obey him at all times, so help me god.

Trump will demand that Ukraine repays all the money spent on defending itself against Russia and will stop all US aid and support immediately on the grounds that “they’re just a bunch of losers anyway.” The fact that Russia will lend Trump $500 million with which to build a Trump Tower in Moscow and a second Trump Tower in Saint Petersburg will naturally have had no bearing on the President’s smart and stable genius decision.

When China invades Taiwan in early March 2025, Trump will announce a “fabulous” deal whereby the Chinese Communist Party will lend him $600 million to build a Trump Tower in Hong Kong, another Trump Tower in Shanghai, and a third Trump Tower in Beijing. This money will naturally have had no bearing on the President’s smart and stable genius decision to withdraw all US forces from Japan, South Korea, and all US bases in the Pacific and to send the Taiwanese government a bill for all military aid sent to them during the Biden administration.

Trump will also announce the USA’s withdrawal from NATO on the grounds that it serves no useful purpose and that US money should be spent on US interests. It will turn out that this means several billion dollars of spending formerly earmarked for the…