UK Prime Minister Says Breathing Causes Asphyxiation

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Boris Johnson, Prime Misleader of the United Kingdom, today told reporters that anyone trying to prevent him from inflicting catastrophic self-harm on the nation was actually making that self-harm far more likely.

This follows Johnson’s previous claim that police officers attempting to arrest criminals in the middle of a crime are actually making that crime far more likely.

Earlier this year Johnson also told reporters that when car drivers press the brake pedal this makes it far more likely they will crash. He advised the nation to follow his own driving style, which he described as “driving as fast as I can with my eyes closed, safe in the knowledge that as an Old Etonian nothing can possibly harm me.”

Johnson’s estranged wife commented on her ex-husband’s propensity for falsehood: “Boris can’t help lying. He’s just like Trump: he opens his mouth and a lie just pops out. Always has done, ever since he was a small child shouting that his penis was a perfectly adequate size. I remember when he told me if I used contraception I’d actually be making it more likely that I’d get pregnant. Of course, it didn’t matter anyway because no matter how much whisky I drank, the thought of his flabby lily-white flesh touching mine was enough to make me vomit. Funnily enough it turned out that being vomited on is one of his big fetishes.”

One of Johnson’s former school teachers, when asked by the BBC to voice an opinion about his former student, began to cry helplessly and then apologized to those nearby for “not having strangled the stupid lump years ago when I had the opportunity.”

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