Vote For Me!
It’s everyone’s duty to make sure we can all continue to enjoy the fruits of democracy
The following is a verbatim transcript from A. Candidate’s recent campaign rally in any country you can think of naming.
Hello good people everywhere! Great to see you! Welcome! I can see…. Thousands of you, probably millions. Maybe trillions. Whatever, a lot of you. Really. I’m so happy you’re all here.
We live at a great time in human history, which is, let’s face it, a lot better than worm history or coconut history. I mean, we’ve got the best history, right? We deserve good stuff.
So here we are, at this great time, when every complex problem can be solved with a simple soundbite. How fantastic is that?
That’s why I’m now running for office and my slogan is Soundbite Solutions!
Got that? Repeat after me: Soundbite Solutions!
Forget all those so-called experts who pretend things are difficult to understand and only they can recommend what to do. We all know better! Remember all those movies where the hero saves the day by shooting everything in sight? We got this!
Think about what made our country great: shooting bad people, wherever they are. What do we do when we see a bad person? We shoot them! How do we know they were bad? Because we shot them!
See? Life is pretty easy when you figure it all out.
My opponent is talking about ecky-nomiks and stuff like that because they want to confuse you. Here’s what I’m going to do: I’m going to give you free stuff! Yes, just like that! As much free stuff as you want! So long as you vote for me.
And don’t worry about me running out of money: I’ll just tell the money people to print more. Really, I don’t know why nobody thought of it before. I guess it’s because no one is as smart as me. That’s the only possible answer.
Sure, those ecky-nomiks people talk about inflation and pretend it’s a bad thing but you know what? I looked it up the other day. You know what inflation is? It’s like when you blow up a party balloon. And that’s a good thing! I mean, would you want to go to a party where all the balloons were just hanging there all tiny and limp and useless like a Trump penis? Of course not!
If only those so-called experts could be bothered to look stuff up like I have my unpaid intern do, they could be smart like me. But they aren’t. Which is why voting for me makes so much sense!
The other day someone asked me if I have more policies than just Soundbite Solutions and I said, sure I do. I’m full of policies. In fact, no one has more policies than me. That’s a fact. You can look it up (but I know you won’t).
You want to know some of my other policies? Get rid of bad people! They just do bad stuff and we don’t need that in our great country, do we? No, we do not! So my next policy is Bad Out.
That’s right: it’s a great chant! Bad out! Bad out! Bad out!
See how good that makes you feel? You just want to go right out of here and get some bad people out, right? And you will, so long as you vote for me.
My next great policy is We Don’t Need Nobody!
All those other countries that aren’t as great as us, trying to tell us what to do all the time, trying to ruin our great currency, steal our jobs, make us pay for all their things, it’s totally unfair, right? So we’re going to tell these so-called partners: We Don’t Need Nobody! We’re better on our own! We don’t need their affordable washing machines and refrigerators and laptops and phones and food and medicines and cars and clothes! We can make it all here at home and create trillions of jobs in the process. But they still have to buy all our stuff, because that’s only fair and if they don’t then they’re cheats and sore losers and we’ll see how they like it when we shoot them up a little.
…….Just kidding, right…….?
And here’s my next great policy: More Jobs For Everyone!
Vote for me and everyone will have a job. Maybe four or five. Even your little kids can work. There’s always plenty of room down the coal mines and cleaning chimneys and it’s totally character-building for them. Who needs to learn to read? I never did, and look how successful I am! Reading is for pointy-heads, so-called experts, and we don’t need any more of those!
And as for the idea that it helps to know stuff, that’s plain stupid. I don’t know anything, you don’t know anything, and it hasn’t hurt us in any way, right? The fact is, those schools just suck up our money so that teachers can take 90-week long vacations every year. They’re abusing our good nature and I’m going to put a stop to it.
I’m going to introduce a voucher system. Once a year every parent gets a voucher. You can either use it to send your kid to school for a week or you can use it to get a widescreen TV. Up to you, whatever you want. But really, have you seen the definition on these new screens? Amazing!
Sometimes I get asked, how is it I’m such a genius? And I tell people, it just came naturally. And how do I know I’m a genius? Simple: I get all the press coverage. They report everything I say and do because they know I set a good example for you all. I’m always in the news, ever day, saying or doing something really smart. Vote for me and you’ll get a whole lot more of my genius!
Some people think I have a problem with the media but that’s not true. I mean, the amount of publicity they give me is astounding! I couldn’t afford to pay for a fraction of what they give me for free! I love the media! Just don’t believe what they tell you, that’s all. Just look at those great pictures of me, that’s all you need. Trust me on this.
Before I wrap things up I want to give you my best-ever slogan: Back To The Good Old Days!
Vote for me and you’ll be voting for the good old days which were just like you remember from seeing all those sitcoms and other shows on television. It will be fantastic.
And remember this: your magic pixie wants you to vote for me. The magic pixie put me here on Earth just so you can vote for me so I can get the right things done. You don’t want to have to tell your magic pixie that you didn’t follow through, am I right?
I know you’ll all vote for me because you are patriots who love freedom and truth, unlike the traitors and terrorists who want to vote for my opponent. But don’t worry: my many friends in the police force and other government agencies are going to make sure no terrorist gets a chance to rig the system by casting a vote for the wrong person.
Meanwhile I know you’ll all turn out and vote for me on the big day. Isn’t democracy great? Without your votes, I wouldn’t be able to do a thing!
Thank you so much, all of you. It’s going to be a great, a truly great, future.