Voting Republican Syndrome (VRS)

How to recognize it, how to treat it.

Typical VRS sufferers

Chances are, someone you know votes Republican. After all, nearly forty-three million US citizens voted Republican at the last Presidential election and Republican politicians keep getting elected to Congress and to various offices in the fifty States. This is a clear indication that the most serious mental health crisis facing the USA in the last sixty years is still running rampant.

Contagion usually occurs during childhood but other mental illnesses such as Addictive Personality Disorder and Sudden Onset Religionism are both strongly associated with VRS and may be cofactors in its development.

With so many people suffering, it’s almost certain that you’ve come into contact with someone who has this debilitating illness. It may be a colleague or it may be a family member. Early signs include an inability to comprehend simple facts, a highly restricted vocabulary, an uncontrollable need to blame people with dark skins for all the ills of the modern world, and an incurable addiction to Fox News. Other strong indicators of Voting Republican Syndrome include deep-seated sexual inadequacy, a fear that one is secretly homosexual, Type II diabetes, and membership of the National Rifle Association.

It is important to stress that there is a small group of people for whom voting Republican is not a sign of mental inadequacy: the ultra-rich. Over the last twenty years, eighty-six percent of all Republican votes in the Congress have been to favor the ultra-rich at the expense of everyone else. Thus is it highly rational for billionaires to vote for Republican candidates.

Everyone else who votes Republican, however, is basically a moron who has zero grasp of reality.

Typical VRS delusions include (i) the belief that tearing small children from the arms of their parents and tossing them into cages is “what Jesus would do” and “keeps America safe from rapists,” (ii) the belief that giving $1.5 trillion dollar tax breaks to multi-billionaires is “smart and stable genius” policy, (iii) the belief that anyone who thinks the USA ought not to be run entirely for the sole benefit of the ultra-rich is a libtard demorat snowflake traitor lacking in moral values who needs to be shot immediately if not sooner, and (iv) the belief that voting for intellectually empty, morally void, and physically repellent old white men shows what true American values are. (Sadly, this last belief may be empirically correct.)

We can see therefore that unless we tackle this terrible sickness, there is little hope for society at large. You and I may not personally be suffering from VRS but our existence is immeasurably harmed by those living with the disease. Just as with other contagious illnesses like typhoid, cholera, and measles, even a tiny percentage of the population falling ill with Voting Republican Syndrome can result in catastrophic nationwide sickness.

So what can be done to treat this mentally crippling condition?

First of all, it is essential to keep children away from anyone afflicted with VRS. The intellectual immune systems of small children can’t cope with the flood of self-contradicting bigotry and mindless assertion that invariably pours from the mouths of those suffering from VRS. Furthermore, those afflicted with VRS additionally expose their children to harmful emissions not only from Fox News and Breibart but also from the dozens of fascist shock-jocks that exist for the sole purpose of spreading the disease. This is infinitely worse than second-hand smoking and as such needs to be recognized as a clear threat to children’s health.

Secondly, it is important to isolate the sufferer. Research has shown that the disease cannot be cured by offering real-world facts and rational arguments. Those afflicted with VRS will often start convulsing and shouting “Whatabout…” before vomiting up a stream of mindless pseudo-comparisons about politicians associated with one or more other political Parties. This uncontrollable mental emesis can result in catalepsy for the victim and excessive boredom for anyone forced to listen to the mindless ranting that can go on for many hours if left unchecked. Isolation therefore is our only option if we want to contain the disease and prevent it spreading further.

Thirdly, it is essential we remove the other main vectors of contagion. All right-wing propaganda outlets in both traditional media and online need to be terminated immediately, just as we’d burn blankets infected with cholera bacteria. Those suffering from VRS will obviously protest that cholera-ridden blankets ought to be given to Native Americans just like in the Good Old Days when they knew what to do with people who weren’t white-skinned, but we can ignore this suggestion as it’s merely a standard VRS symptom along with clandestinely meeting young men in airport toilets.

It was hoped that a vaccine could be developed that would confer immunity to VRS but to date all such attempts have been abandoned before reaching Phase I clinical trials. CAT scans of the brains of those suffering from VRS have revealed that activity in the frontal cortex is significantly reduced compared to normal levels, and synaptic connections associated with knowledge acquisition are typically only 30% of those seen in the brains of people who are able to tie their own shoe laces (such people are usually termed “poynty-hed intelukshuls” by those suffering from VRS).

As noted before, exposure to real facts and information has no positive impact, with most sufferers falling into a zombie-like state in which they keep shouting “fake news” until either (i) they are sedated, or (ii) they have an aneurism or a cardiac arrest. Thus any reality-based strategy for attempting to treat Republican voters is counter-productive and a waste of valuable time and energy.

If you believe you know one or more people suffering from VRS, please contact your nearest Center for Disease Control and an emergency response team will be dispatched as soon as one becomes available. As you can imagine, with so many suffering from this terrible disease, it may take a while before they reach your location.

Meanwhile find somewhere to hide, keep quiet, and keep hoping this plague of mindless voting can be ameliorated before it’s too late.

Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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