We’re Not In Kansas
Life isn’t a predictable movie script; it’s what you make of it
I’ve often thought life is easiest for people who have a low sex-drive and little imagination. A high libido and an active imagination can be a torment, for one sees endless possibilities that are rarely enjoyed. It’s like watching people blithely ignoring a spectacular fireworks display or walking past a three star Michelin restaurant in order to enter a McSlop franchise.
Nature hasn’t been kind to homo sapiens. Unlike gibbons or swans we’re not evolved to be entirely monogamous, but unlike bonobos we’re not evolved to be happily promiscuous either. We’re stuck uncomfortably in the middle, a semi-monogamous species in which each gender attempts to secure illicit mating opportunities mostly through deceit and cunning.
Which is not exactly a recipe for happiness, nor for relationship stability.
Forget the babbling of people who haven’t realized psychology and sociology are merely cargo-cult pseudo-sciences. We humans don’t practice infidelity because of social constructs, the patriarchy, childhood insecurity, or any other fatuous so-called explanation. We’re hardwired to seek out extra-curricular mating opportunities because that was the most adaptive course of action for the average human during more than 200,000 years of evolutionary history.
When we look at human physiology we see all the tell-tale traits: monogamous primate males have small testes relative to body mass while promiscuous primate males have large testes relative to body mass. Human males have… testes in the mid-range. Monogamous primate species show a distinct size disparity between large males and small females (we see the same thing in many mammals including seals) while in promiscuous primate species body size is nearly the same between males and females. Humans have… intermediate disparities in average body size (by which in today’s over-fed world, we generally mean height). There are several other key physical indicators but these are enough to convey the basics.
When it comes to behavior we see the same thing: monogamous primate species typically have displays that signal the pair-bond and discourage outsiders. Promiscuous primate species have low jealousy and low monopolization behaviors. Humans display mate-guarding, which is an evolved behavior driven by mate infidelity. Furthermore, these displays are gender-specific. Males try to prevent the female from mating with another male whereas females try to prevent the male from giving other females gifts of resources. Again, there are many other indicators but this is enough to convey the basics.
Over the years we humans have attempted to square our behavioral circle in a variety of ways. Powerful males have constructed harems in order to monopolize access to desirable females. In very impoverished societies, polyandry occurs in order to ensure there is sufficient manual labor to eke out a living. The males concerned are usually brothers, and a similar pattern is sometimes seen in lions where two brothers will displace a dominant male and share the pride between them.
The problem with polygyny, in contrast, is that it leaves a lot of males who will never be able to mate, and this results in severe social instability. War has long been one method of dealing with this problem: young men go off to fight and the implicit bargain is that they get to rape and enslave the women of those they slaughter. We see this behavior in recently-contacted tribes such as the Yanomamo. But war is a very wasteful approach and increasingly untenable as the sophistication of our modern weapons increases lethality while reducing opportunities for pillage.
And polyandry tends to fall apart as soon as resources become more abundant, as each male will prefer to seek a female who can be monopolized.
And thus we end up with our modern compromise: the monogamous relationship. Although fabulists have attempted to normalize this and romanticize it, and although the great mass of people rarely question it as a construct, the fact is monogamy is a compromise solution that leaves few people truly happy. Some are fortunate enough to find compatible partners with whom they can spend many years in contentment but most people live “lives of quiet desperation.”
Extra-marital affairs are common. Genetic studies indicate that at least 10% of children born within marriages are actually not related to the man who believes himself to be the father.
In short, monogamy is a threadbare compromise. Which is why a great many people seek release in a wide variety of ways.
After my first marriage ended, I found myself rediscovering my sexuality through a wide variety of experiences. My wife and I were the classic mis-matched couple in every way, and now I was free to expand back into myself. Many of my encounters were fairly traditional, but many more were somewhat orthogonal to convention and it’s one of those I want to recount here in order to illustrate the variety of ways in which ordinary decent people seek to escape the stultifying effects of long-term monogamy.
Samantha was in her mid-thirties, about six years younger than me at the time. She was short and slender and attractive and we met by chance. A few weeks earlier she’d decided that she deserved more than just the routine of being a mother and a wife, dutifully having pleasant-enough sex with her husband but always craving something more intense. We met for conversation over coffee and instantly clicked. Her sense of humor was like mine: sharp and dry. Her mind was active and her range of interests pleasingly wide.
Coffee transmuted into lunch at a nearby restaurant. We were midway through a particularly stimulating conversation when her phone rang; I politely stepped away so she could talk in private. When I returned she told me she’d for many years had a fantasy about being fucked by her first-ever boss who ran a bakery a few miles away. He was now in his sixties but she still had the desire, so she’d reached out to him to tell him about it. The phone call was him replying. She’d made an arrangement to meet him and his friend Saul the next day, so they could both fuck her.
She told me this with an arch expression on her face. Clearly she wanted to see how I’d respond.
I told her I was delighted for her, but that obviously I was going to fuck her first. We finished our meal, I paid, and then we left the restaurant. As soon as we were outside I pulled her wrists behind her back and used her scarf to tie them firmly. I reached under her dress and snapped the band of her panties so they fell to her feet. She stepped out of them, leaving the torn fabric on the sidewalk. Pushing two fingers of my fingers into her pussy was enough to ascertain she was very ready to be penetrated. Samantha started to pant and her pupils dilated. I marched her down the street until we found what I was looking for: a discreet alleyway. Although we weren’t entirely shielded from view, I made her open her legs, bent her over, unzipped my pants, and entered her. She moaned loudly and I proceeded to fuck her vigorously for about ten minutes, all the time expecting to have to cease abruptly due to some outraged citizen catching sight of us. Remarkably, no one seemed to see or hear what we were doing and so I finally spurted my load deep into her pussy. I held her in position for another minute, savoring the feeling of her body trembling against mine as my cock slowly softened.
I let her straighten up and she turned toward me, her face flushed.
“My husband will know I’ve been a bad girl,” she said, in a self-satisfied way. “He’ll see your semen running down the inside of my thighs. That was the best fuck I’ve had in years.”
“Then you can thank me properly,” I told her, and firmly pushed her to her knees. To my delight it turned out Samantha was one of those women who genuinely love giving a blowjob; she took my cock into her throat and used her tongue on the underside of my shaft, taking her time, trying out different things to see what pleased me most. When I unloaded my second flood of semen into her throat she swallowed with evident relish.
So began what turned into a friendship that lasted a decade, through various twists and turns, at times purely platonic and at other times deeply carnal. For the next few months Samantha came over to my place once or twice a week, and each time her submission increased and my dominance over her became more pronounced. She appreciated my erotic imagination and the fact I took the trouble to learn her hidden levers, something no one had ever done before.
Samantha reveled in humiliation, both verbal and situational, while I find my greatest satisfaction in controlling a woman. This made our combination work well. I’d make her perform tasks that I’d designed to ensure she failed (one example: “tell me the meaning of the word adscititious”) and with each failure she’d be punished. Punishments ranged from a harsh whipping followed by rough anal sex to being bound tightly and tormented with alternating ice and molten wax over her most sensitive and delicate parts. (Note for anyone wanting to try this: you must, repeat must, use paraffin wax candles as they have a low melting point and will convey heat that’s highly stimulating but will not harm the skin.)
I made her call her husband after a good whipping, while I was sodomizing her, so he could hear her cries and she could describe what I’d done to her, what I was doing to her, and what I would do with her later.
At my command, now Samantha was being fucked by other men (several of whom I arranged for her) her husband could only use her mouth for his gratification. As a result of the constant erotic tension the situation engendered, their sex life shifted from a desultory missionary position once or twice a week to her giving him at least one blowjob daily, often while another man’s semen was leaking from her much-used pussy or asshole. It worked well for them, and I knew I was simply playing a part in helping to create a larger dynamic.
Samantha’s deepest desire was to be used by a group of men, passed around between them and made to take double and triple penetrations. I was eventually able to help her live out this fantasy, which exceeded her wildest expectations and left her unable to walk the next day and kept her sore for a week.
This kind of escapade would horrify someone with a less well-developed libido and a more conventional approach to life. It’s the antithesis of what Disney & Co would have us believe is “normal” and “right.” And yet it improved Samantha’s marriage, enabled her to be far more fulfilled, and provided everyone concerned with a great deal of pleasure they otherwise would never have known.
While pleasure isn’t the only thing in life it is one of life’s greatest rewards, and most people get far too little.
Life is very short and while many people seem content to sleepwalk through existence, for those with an appetite for living large, mere normality can feel like being buried alive. Samantha had the courage to break out and embrace her desires and I was happy to be part of her journey. The fact that I had the pleasure of controlling her sexual behavior, often at a distance, was a significant part of the erotic gratification I gained on my side of the equation.
For others, a more gentle polyamory is far more suitable than the rough and potentially emotionally bruising kind of thing Samantha craved. Swingers in turn have their own solutions to the problem of monogamy, and of course there’s a wide range of kink for those whose tastes run more to largely non-sexual forms of entertainment.
In the end, we each have the option to find what works best for us. It’s just a shame so many people aren’t ever aware the options even exist.