When I Grow Up I’ll Be A Republican Politician

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The World’s Easiest Job

By Earnest Yoof, aged eleven and three quarters.

I’ve just finished my year-long school project on US history. It was very interesting and over here in Britain we don’t really focus a lot on the USA so now I know quite a lot of things my friends don’t know which means I can beat them at Trivial Pursuit when the topic is the USA and that will be very satisfying.

What’s even more satisfying is that now I know what I want to be when I grow up!!!

For a while I was thinking about being a physicist because I’m interested in how the universe works. Then I was thinking about being an investment banker because it’s great to have lots of money and never have to worry about making mistakes or breaking the law. But now I know that there’s a job that’s even better than being a pop star or an astronaut: being a Republican politician.

With other jobs you usually have to know things and try to do your best, but if you’re a Republican politician you don’t have to know anything and no one cares if you make a total mess of everything. In fact, it’s expected. All you need to do is say “pro-life” and “pro-gun” and “pro-American” lots of times and all the really stupid people will vote for you.

Because the USA has lots and lots of really amazingly stupid people this means Republican politicians always get elected easily. Then they can spend time with rich business people and give them more tax breaks and get to fly on private jets. Republican politicians spend lots of time in airport toilets meeting young men, which I suppose is to do with soliciting votes or something. And when they stop being in politics they get to be on company Boards and have even more money.

Also, if you have a real job and you get hit by a car and your brain stops working, you lose your job. But if you’re a Republican politician and your brain stops working they make you President or Leader of the Senate or something like that, so you never have to worry.

I’m going to save up my allowance every week so that when I’m old enough I can fly to the USA and become a Republican politician because it’s the world’s absolute best job ever!

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Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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