How a shocking absence of meaningless violence can warp an entire society
Over the last several months during my exile here in Lausanne I’ve been watching more TV and movies than at any point in the last thirty years. As a card-carrying weirdo I want my modest French language skills to improve as rapidly as possible, and living entirely in French is the best way to do it. Aside from writing in English for Medium and talking to my family, I’m 100% immersed in French.
Listening to the news from France24 and in the evening watching French TV series and movies means that my vocabulary continues to expand as I learn new slang and idioms. I dream in French now too.
Go ahead, call me a soggy croissant. I don’t care. You have to be tough to survive on a diet of Euro programming.
Because, you know what? Euro TV sucks!
For a start, hardly anyone gets shot or torn to pieces or raped or hit by a car in the opening sequence. Worse still, you can literally watch an entire series and never once see someone’s head exploding or arm snapped like a twig or being shot 762 times by the hero.
Then there’s the stuff they show to kids. Where are the wide-eyed vacant Prozac-stuffed animations Disney has generously bequeathed to the world? Where are the clichéd characters and by-the-numbers plot lines?
I mean (and you really won’t believe this) sometimes you actually have to stay awake in order to follow what’s going on! Unbe-fucking-lievable!
What’s even worse is the situations they put into their kids’ shows. Nowhere do they show wholesome freaks and monsters out to rip children into tiny pieces and eat their entrails. Nope. In one of the worst shows I’ve seen here, they had kids sitting in a classroom learning to read!!!
Jeeze Louise! Don’t they have text-to-speech here in Euroland? What’s the point of wasting children’s time when they could be playing educational videogames like Zombie: First BloodBath, KarmaGeddon, and my personal favorite: President Evil?
As you’d expect, this totally distorted view of reality ripples through society and affects the way people grow up. For example, hardly anyone goes on a mass shooting rampage here. Apparently no one at all has been shot in Lausanne for over sixty years! What sort of a city is that? Fucking Wimpsville. It’s like no one even thinks of going postal here.
But tell me: how else are we supposed to release all those toxic emotions we naturally experience when the barista gives us a cinnamon-nutmeg-hazelnut-macchiato-half-soy-half-almondmilk instead of the cinnamon-nutmeg-hazelnut-macchiato-half-soy-half-almondmilk-with-whipped-cream we ordered?
My worst moment so far came after I’d been here a couple of months. I was walking through the center of town on my way to the gym when I saw this guy staggering about with a knife in his hand. He was clearly having mental issues. Although he wasn’t threatening anyone, he was muttering to himself, his eyes were darting about, and he was obviously disturbed. Reminded me of Oakland and for a moment I felt right at home. But there were several mothers with small children nearby and I’d already become infected with Euro-Itis. So, with a sigh, I decided it would be better to relieve him of his knife and keep him down until the local police arrived.
’Cause then we’d get to see us some real-life beating and shooting. Finally!
But guess what???
When they showed up (on foot, not as they should have done in a cruiser with sirens wailing and lights strobing) they… talked to the guy. They didn’t even Taser him or choke him out. Not a single eensie-weensie gunshot in the back. Nothing. They sat with him until the Social Services arrived and then handed him over, all concerned that he’d be properly looked after and treated with care.
What sort of society does this shit?
It’s like they’ve never even heard of unnecessary use of force!
Plus, all that walking around and talking to people makes it pretty much impossible for them to put a goodly load of meat on their bones. Last time I saw a properly obese police officer was back in Nashville Tennessee. The skinny-minnies over here don’t seem to have understood the vital role played by a 20-box of donuts for breakfast every morning.
So it’s pretty clear what happens when you deprive Euro kids of their right to violent entertainment. They grow up to be thin socialist-pacifist-wimps, all ready to work things out with talking and reason instead of doing the right thing and reaching for their weapon and blasting everything and everyone in sight.
No wonder they don’t have violent death statistics like we have in the good ol’ US-of-A.
You probably won’t be surprised to learn they don’t even have Active Shooter Drills in Euro schools. Nosiree, not a single one.
How do they expect kids to learn they’re vulnerable at all times, wherever they are, and that no one can protect them? How are they going to internalize that persistent deep fear that’s so important in forming a kid’s character and turning them into a neurotic fearful adult? Where’s the endless barrage of messages that show clearly how only by owning dozens of assault rifles and handguns does the ordinary citizen stand the slightest chance of holding off the zombie horde when the black helicopters of the United Nations come to take away our bibles?
It’s pretty clear the Euro folk haven’t thought this thing through.
It’s time a few good men, locked & loaded, ventured across the Atlantic to help these folk out and show them what real dysfunctionality looks like. We’ve got this.
Let’s Make Euroland Great Again!