Why Libtards Are Wrong About Guns

Guns are freedom. For sure.

Image credit: Times of Israel

Libtards are always whining about how 32,000+ US citizens die from gunshot wounds every year and how another 70,000+ are injured by guns.

Boo-Hoo! Wanna know what those numbers really tell us? That GUNS ARE SAFE!! See, for every 100,000+ people who get shot, ONLY 32,000 DIE!

If you can think of anything safer than getting shot then you’re just a snowflake.

Libtards want to take away our guns because they hate freedom. The only thing stopping the black helicopters of the UN and our government coming to take away our wives and have sex with our shotguns is the fact we have firearms to defend our freedom.

You know how devastating a .223 round is against an A1 Abrams tank or an Apache helicopter sneakily hiding over the horizon?

Well, that’s how powerful our guns are against the powers of tyranny and oppression! WACO proved that armed citizens can hold out against oppressive government forces forever. The government fears our 1911 handguns and our AR-15s. Because they only got the Army and the Marines and tanks and armored personnel carriers and attack helicopters and drones and F-18s and F-22s and cruise missiles and ICBMs and stuff. We’ve got what counts: handguns, rifles, and impenetrable ignorance!

We’re entitled to guns because of the 2nd Amendment. Forget all that crap about “a well-regulated militia.” It’s obvious they meant every white-skinned man with some meat on his bones in God’s fine nation has a right to possess as many guns as he wants. Just pushing one of my manly fingers through the trigger guard nearly gives me a semi-erection, and that’s what keeps America safe from Jews and Libtards and Snowflakes and Mexicans.

Libtards think having no guns would make us all “safer.” Sure, just like them communist atheist baby-eating Yurpeens are “safe.” But they ain’t safe ’cause they have no freedom!

See what having no freedom has done to them? They’re forced to have proper healthcare even for poor people! They force their children to learn facts in school! They don’t worship the Lord Jesus while shooting blacks and Mexicans! They have to speak different languages! They don’t make people work three jobs each just to make the rent! They even have happy relaxed kids who don’t know how to do Active Shooter Drills.

I mean, think about it: our American kids are properly traumatized like all good kids should be, ’cause we tell them regularly they ain’t safe anywhere: at any time a shooter can burst in and kill dozens of them. Puts them in the right frame of mind for living a godly life as sure as Jesus walked this Earth. But them Yurpeen kids? What do they know about constant fear? Nothing, that’s what! So they grow up all well-adjusted and relaxed and able to form strong interpersonal relationships. No wonder they’re all babbling away in mixed-up languages! They need a good dose of fear and paranoia to set them straight!

The other thing Libtards don’t understand about guns is how smooth they are, how they keep their shape year after year, unlike wives who kinda bloat out on all those PopTarts & pizza & beer & candy & hot dogs & soda. You can stroke your gun and never feel even a hint of cellulite, and your gun’ll never slap away your hand and tell you it’s got a headache. Every real man knows how comforting it is to sit on the sofa and stroke his shotgun while watching repeats of The Waddling Dead on TV. This is what them Libtards want to steal away from us!

And hunting! Real men put meat on the table. I went hunting with my dad just like he went hunting with his dad before him. It made a man of me. We walked nearly 200 yards from the car to the pre-built hide, and that’s practically a marathon, let me tell you. Then we had to sit in that hide a long, long time waiting for the deer to present itself, with only beer and soda and candy and snacks and a portable TV and cold pizza and some whiskey to cheer us up. Oh, and some of dad’s special magazines with pictures of men in spandex doing muscle exercises that he kept hidden under his gun-cleaning box.

And when that old deer finally ambled up to within 20 yards of our hide, boy did we show him who’s boss! We must’ve laid down nearly 300 rounds on that old boy. And if even one of them had hit the animal, he’d have been toast, let me tell you!

So that’s why we need guns: for intimate father-and-son time, the kind of bonding that makes a man respect other men. And then go looking for them in small confined spaces, like airport toilet stalls.

So the next time some Libtard tries to tell you about gun control, you just tell him what I’ve been telling you here: we may not have education or health care or a social safety net or income equality or tolerance or even rudimentary knowledge about anything at all, but by god we’ve got our guns and we’re gonna keep them come what may.

And if you think you can come and take away my belief about this, you’ll have to prize it out of my cold dead brain.

So take that, Libtard!

Anyone who enjoys my articles here on Medium may be interested in my books Why Democracy Failed and The Praying Ape, both available from Amazon.

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