How Mattell Inc.’s Campaign of Terrifying Plastic Surgery Causes Lasting Psychosexual Trauma

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It’s a common experience of most women who have any kind of online presence to be on the receiving end of the infamous Dick Pic.

Now, let’s be honest: if a guy is in possession of a truly astonishing penis that normally would be attached to a dolphin or a blue whale or at the very least a extremely well-endowed horse, this could indeed be something of which to be proud. It could even deserve to be memorialized in pictures, much as we cherish photographs of the Sydney Opera House and the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge or have posters of the enormous Saturn V rocket with an Apollo capsule perched on top.

Yet, disappointingly, the vast majority of dick pics circulating on the Internet are by no means impressive. While few of us would wish to disparage a man’s pride and joy, it’s good to have a sense of perspective in these matters. And an objective perspective would suggest that the vast majority of dick pics are insufficiently memorable to be so widely distributed. Furthermore, in this age of freely available Internet porn it’s infeasible to imagine that the Average Joe is unaware of how average his penis is.

So what’s going on?

Turns out, we can blame Barbie for the endless tidal wave of dick picks that daily crashes onto the hapless shore of women’s social media accounts.

Let’s consider Barbie, that plastic icon of everything an American woman is purportedly supposed to be. She’s blond, impossibly slender, her conical breasts defy both gravity and genetics, she’s perpetually on tip-toe, and…. she has no genitalia.

Even worse, Mattel compounded this catastrophic oversight when it created the Ken doll.

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Can you spot what’s missing in this picture…?

Whereas poor Barbie is merely lacking a discrete opening or two, Ken doesn’t have even the vaguest semblance of a man-bump down there. One cannot gloss over the terrible fact that Ken is not only neuter but entirely castrated. The devastating psychological impact on generations of impressionable young American children cannot be overstated.

When these traumatized children grow into adulthood there remains forever a part of their brains that is deeply unsure about the reality of genitalia in other people. What if I fall for a woman and later discover that, like Barbie, she’s sealed shut down there? What if she’s considering me but will reject me because she’s worried I don’t have Man Parts?

And so the remedy becomes obvious: at the very first moment of contact, when one is still pleasingly anonymous, when each person knows nothing about the other, a few dick pics will clear up any potential ambiguity regarding the possession of functional genitalia. Now both people can relax, confident that at least one of them has the requisite bodily parts. Romance can blossom, a relationship can flourish, and should consummation be attempted each will be secure in the knowledge that the necessary male fleshy bits are all present and reasonably correct.

In theory Sex Ed classes should go some way towards dispelling the pervasive fear of absentee genitalia. Unfortunately in the USA Sex Ex classes mostly go like this:

“OK kids, pay attention. This is how sex works: the male organ is introduced into the female passage, sperm is released, the egg is fertilized, nine months later a baby pops out. We call sperm and eggs gametes. Everything clear? You also need to know that sexual activity of any sort before marriage is bad, if you do it you’ll contract terrible diseases, your genitals will swell up and then shrivel and fall off, everyone will know what you’ve done, you’ll die alone and friendless and then go straight to hell. OK, that concludes our Sex Ex curriculum. And remember, god is watching everything you do at all times and in all your favorite hiding places.”

I was told by an American woman friend some years ago that her only takeaway from her school’s Sex Ed class was that procreation involved a surgical procedure in which the boy’s penis was severed and then placed into the girl’s vagina, leaving the boy Ken-like ever after. She resolved never to have sexual intercourse because she didn’t want any male to suffer the inevitable castration the activity would involve.

Hopefully this overview of Sexual Trauma American-Style helps clear up the mystery of why men bombard women they don’t even know with pictures of their most prized possession displayed in all its modest glory.

The alternative explanation is that a vast number of men are so crass and clueless as to be incapable of imagining how to attempt to initiate a real human connection with another sentient being.

The drawback with this latter interpretation, however, is that individual men are highly unlikely to have sufficient assets to be worth suing for harassment and emotional trauma. The Mattel Corporation, conversely, does indeed have sufficient funds to make recompense to millions of American women who’ve suffered untold emotional damage and tangible loss of earnings in consequence of being on the receiving end of a motley variety of dick pics due to the missing genitalia of small plastic dolls.

Therefore it is time that every American woman who has ever received, is currently in possession of, or who fears one day receiving, a dick pic joins in a class action lawsuit against the Mattel Corporation of El Segundo California. It’s time the culprit was made to pay, and pay, and pay for the endless unaesthetic deluge of unwanted virtual flesh tubes.

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