Win Small, Lose Big

Why in any conflict large or small it’s essential to know what you really want, and what is really possible

Image credit: Time Magazine

As parents often discover the hard way, small children are generally unskilled negotiators; unfortunately, most adults are no better. This is because most people lack the mental models necessary for conflict management. So whether we’re looking at the seemingly endless Arab-Israeli stalemate or a marital squabble, the fundamental dynamics tend to be the same and therefore the mechanisms for resolution are also basically the same. Unfortunately, conflict management is one of the many essential life skills that remain untaught and, for most, unheard-of. For the vast majority of people, the only conflict modality they have is “burn down the house.”

We humans are generally rather poor at managing our emotions. Most often, we are led by our feelings and when this happens whatever limited cognitive capacity we may occasionally possess is firmly shut down as our brains flood with various hormones and neurotransmitters, our heartrate accelerates, and we find ourselves locked into fight-or-flight mode even over something as trivial as who should pick up the bathroom towel or take out the trash. This is an inevitable consequence of being alive, for evolution has hardwired us to be driven by our emotions. When we…