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Your First Human
Essential instructions for the care & feeding of your new pet
Congratulations! You’ve acquired your first human. Properly cared for, this pet can provide you with years of entertainment.
Unfortunately, humans have no natural instincts for self-care. Left to their own devices, humans would reliably ingest vast quantities of harmful substances which resulted in many unpleasant illnesses. Furthermore, unless humans are regularly stimulated, they will retreat into a gloomy corner and begin to rock back-and-forth while muttering unintelligible conspiracy theories.
In short, evolution has not been kind to humans.
But don’t despair! When you provide your human with the right environment it can be maintained in adequate condition for many years and thereby enable you to enjoy the gift of laughter day after day.
Let’s begin with diet. As noted above, humans have no capacity for eating what’s good for them so you are entirely responsible for ensuring they get adequate nutrition. As obligate omnivores, humans require a wide range of vegetables, grains, and fruits, plus a small quantity of animal products such as eggs, fish, and red meat so as to ensure sufficient quantities of vitamin B12, iodine, iron, and omega-3 fatty acids.
