Essential instructions for the care & feeding of your new pet
Congratulations! You’ve acquired your first human. Properly cared for, this pet can provide you with years of entertainment.
Unfortunately, humans have no natural instincts for self-care. Left to their own devices, humans would reliably ingest vast quantities of harmful substances which resulted in many unpleasant illnesses. Furthermore, unless humans are regularly stimulated, they will retreat into a gloomy corner and begin to rock back-and-forth while muttering unintelligible conspiracy theories.
In short, evolution has not been kind to humans.
But don’t despair! When you provide your human with the right environment it can be maintained in adequate condition for many years and thereby enable you to enjoy the gift of laughter day after day.
Let’s begin with diet. As noted above, humans have no capacity for eating what’s good for them so you are entirely responsible for ensuring they get adequate nutrition. As obligate omnivores, humans require a wide range of vegetables, grains, and fruits, plus a small quantity of animal products such as eggs, fish, and red meat so as to ensure sufficient quantities of vitamin B12, iodine, iron, and omega-3 fatty acids.
This diet will be totally unfamiliar to your human, so you will need to be patient and persistent. But your hard work will pay off: your human will have healthy skin, hair, bones, and muscle, and will generally avoid the wide range of unnecessary ailments humans used to experience in the wilds of their cities and suburbs.
Nearly as important as diet is environment. Humans are very simple organisms with defective self-regulation mechanisms. In fact, our scientists were surprised to discover that any species with so little ability for self-preservation should have survived outside of captivity. Humans in the wild spent nearly all their time staring at screens that feed them a constant stream of fear-inducing nonsense that left them feeling afraid, debilitated, helpless, and depressed.
Obviously no responsible owner should ever let their human decline into such a state.
Fortunately, humans believe pretty much anything they are told no matter how absurd, implausible, or self-contradictory. While this always resulted in great self-harm in the wild, it means you can keep your human safe from mental injury by exposing it only to stories that will help it to feel adequate and enable it to develop some illusory sense of purpose and personal value.
As most humans have very limited intellectual abilities, we strongly recommend keeping stories simple, repetitive, and delivered in a manner intelligible to even the most feeble-minded.
You can purchase a wide range of human-suitable stories at our galaxy-renowned SpeciesSupply SuperStore.
Once you’ve established a good habitat for your human, with a suitable diet and various distractions to keep it occupied (we recommend letting it shell nuts, practice counting to three, and hitting things with a stick), you will eventually have to accept the fact that humans are social animals, not unlike those other well-known Earth organisms termites and slime mold.
Therefore, in contrast to our favorite Earth pet the Syrian Hamster, humans don’t fare well when kept solitary over extended periods of time. Although your human will almost certainly bond with you quite quickly and come to depend on its interactions with you, this alone will not be enough. At some point you will need to decide whether or not to add to your collection.
This decision will depend on your personal circumstances. It’s not only more expensive to keep two or three humans, but the effort required to look after them increases far more than threefold. This is because humans, by and large, are inept social animals. They tend to squabble, annoy each other, and seem unable to maintain stable relationships. Worse still, because (as we noted earlier) humans believe whatever they’re told, the loudest and therefore usually the most stupid human will tend to control what the others in the group believe.
This can lead to all kinds of problems including self-mutilation and violence against other members of the group.
Obviously, this isn’t the kind of behavior you want from your pets.
You may be tempted to think you can reason with your humans and through this method enable them to avoid the worst excesses of self-harm. Extensive experience has shown, however, that humans have almost zero capacity for coherent thinking. Furthermore, even the limited reasoning they can sometimes perform is entirely over-ridden by their hardwired instinctual behaviors. Thus, attempting to engage intellectually with your pets will always result in total failure.
This was why, incidentally, it was decided to categorize humans as pets. Their total ineptitude guaranteed not only their own extinction but also the extinction of hundred of millions of other species on their home planet. Today, maintained in comfort and safety as well-cared-for pets, humans can be permitted to breed in limited numbers while being prevented from causing harm to their surroundings.
So if you can’t reason with your pets, how can you stop them from indulging in harmful behaviors?
While humans have a seemingly insatiable appetite for mental excrement (examples from their home planet include religions, reality television, and endless depictions of violence) they have a pronounced aversion to physical excrement. If you observe one of your pets waving its arms, shouting slogans, and generally behaving as though it believes it is the group’s leader, you can simply tip a bucket of shit over it.
Not only will this be amusing, but it will also undermine that human’s credibility in the eyes of the other humans in your collection. And as a bonus, the experience may well deter the feces-covered human from attempting any further “leader-like” actions in future.
Of course, no one likes to harm their pets. Fortunately, excrement is reasonably easy to wash off and compared to alternatives such as electroshock therapy or euthanizing the misbehaving pet, it’s a quick and painless way to achieve an essential result.
Using techniques such as this, some owners have built colonies of humans numbering up to 100, where they can live out their lives in relative tranquility.
The benefit of larger groups means you can watch as males attempt to compete for the favors of select females, and females compete to undermine one another so as to secure access to the most desirable males. You can chuckle as they attempt to establish social norms for the purposes of self-regulation, and then laugh out loud as these norms reliably produce results entirely opposite to what was intended.
In short, the benefits of keeping a group of humans as pets can outweigh the obvious costs.
But for now, as you undertake the solemn responsibility of caring for your very first human, we wish you well.
Don’t forget: everything you need is available at your nearest SpeciesSupply SuperStore.
We look forward to seeing you there soon!